Sorry, Rich, we’re one short

MARKS & SPARKS have dropped the name ‘Midget’ Gems from sweet packets, after an academic accused them of ‘hate crime’ against people with dwarfism. Heaven knows where that leaves the MG Midget Owners’ Club, or Bridget the Midget (The Queen of the Blues).

As it happens, I have some experience in this area.

Years ago, during a longforgotten TV series, I presented the first — and, I believe, the only — television performance by The Half Monty, a team of dwarfs who got their kit off to You Can Keep Your Hat On. They were so

successful, my producer decided to feature persons of restricted growth on every show in the series.

After programme six, the head dwarf approached me in the green room and apologised that he wouldn’t be able to do the following week because he was double-booked.

He had a previous engagement, at a dwarf-tossing contest in Sheffield. Would I mind if his brother-in-law stood in for him? ‘Is he a dwarf, too?’ I asked. ‘No, technically he’s a midget, but no one will notice the difference . . .’