++WESTMINSTER WARS++

ABSENT for Boris’s mea culpa before PMQs, Chancellor rishi Sunak was 225 miles away plotting to move next door from No 11. He doesn’t stand a chance. At just 5ft 6in, diminutive rishi may be dishy, but we haven’t had a PM that short since 5ft 4in Spencer Perceval in 1812. And he was assassinated!

SITTING one row behind Boris as he apologised was former PM Theresa May, whom he booted out of office, wearing a Thatcherstyle royal blue suit and matching face mask — no doubt to hide her smirk.

SENDING out email invitations to a rulebreaking booze party? The ineptitude of the PM’s advisers is staggering. As my journalist dad warned me starting out as a junior reporter, never put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want to appear on the front page!