Lazy husband has given me OCD

Few problems are ‘trivial’, simply because they loom large to the person suffering. But their enormity can be alleviated by a conscious effort to make sense of what is going on — and (hopefully) doing something about it.

So let’s start by pointing out that, after Christmas (which often puts a strain on relationships) the beginning of January is a very low time for many people.

So here you are, having worn yourself out tidying the house after the family has been and gone, and blaming your husband for your obsessive anxiety about domestic chores. He is far from being the only man who does nothing to help around the house, so I suggest your sense of ‘blame’ may be unfair.

whatever the truth (and there is no known cause for the OCD you suspect yourself of having), resenting him (even hating, as you say) will not help you find a way through your current low mood.

You can certainly have counselling on your own, so I suggest you look at the Relate website. I would also research OCD and try to work out at what stage in your life the anxiety began. Perhaps the time you went through the menopause: how did that affect you? Research local practitioners who treat OCD with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists).

There seems to me to be a slight contradiction when you say you found the absence of your adult children ‘easier’ because of tidying and the claim that you ‘would love to be able to look forward to entertaining’ — when you know it would put a strain on you.

If you blame your ‘husband’s behaviour’ do you just mean his unwillingness to help? Or something else? Is he rude to you in front of people?

If it’s just a matter of you being fed up because you think he is bone idle, then surely this is something to discuss?

If you feel you need help, then choose one of your adult children to have a heart to heart with him, letting him know in no uncertain terms that it’s time he researched what washing-up liquid is for. Otherwise he may be facing a serious breakdown in your mental health — and therefore his, too.

Or why not start by showing him this column? I expect he’ll feel shocked you’re upset enough to write to a stranger. Then sit down together and remember when you met: places you went to and what you felt. what about when the children were born? Ask him whether he could imagine living alone without you. You really must start this conversation.