I’m dreadfully sorry for eating you, says Jaws

THE 12 MOST HEARTFELT PUBLIC APOLOGIES OF ALL TIME (PART 1)

1: Georgie Porgie’s first apology

I am sorry if my behaviour has upset people. It was never my intention to kiss those girls.

Strictly speaking, it was more of a peck, but at the time I should have recognised that it could be said technically to fall within the framework of a kiss.

2: Georgie Porgie’s second apology

SINCE my last statement two days ago, it has been brought to my attention that, by kissing those girls, I may — or may not — have made them cry. I have no recollection of any such event, but as a man of honour, I do not intend to run away from these accusations, however ill-founded they may be.

3: Henry VIII, May 20, 1536

I want to apologise. I recognise that millions of men and women have been married for a great many years without ever having recourse to removing the head of their spouse.

However, it has been brought to my attention that, at some point over the past few days, my wife, anne Boleyn, inadvertently lost her head when a sword, axe or some other sharp object fell upon it.

I must make it clear that I was not present in the room at the time, so I am not the person to ask about it. I cannot anticipate the conclusions of the report I have commissioned from the independent investigator, thomas cromwell. In the meantime, as a recent widower, I would ask the media to allow me the privacy to grieve for my late wife.

4: The Pied Piper of Hamelin

AS a pest control officer, I remain committed to ridding towns and cities of unwanted rodents.

But in the past few days I have learned enough to know that, in my approach to the whole question of Hamelin, there were things we simply did not get right, and I must take responsibility.

with hindsight, I should have recognised that, even if the disappearance of so many children was technically no fault of my own, millions of people through their own pig-headed stupidity might choose to see it that way. and for that I wholeheartedly apologise.

5: Jaws, Amity Island, autumn 1975

I WISH to offer an apology for the events of the past summer.

at no point did I have any intention of ruining people’s vacations by eating them alive. If they chose to go into the water during my lunch breaks, then that was entirely a matter for them.

However, I have clearly upset people, and now that I have had time to reflect on the recent report in the amity Island courier, there is no question I’m sorry for the upset that may or may not have been caused by my swimming beneath them and enjoying a good nibble.

I’m sorry if, as a hard-working shark who has struggled all his life to keep moving, there are those who feel I am not entitled to a decent meal. I’m also deeply sorry to hear that some of those I ate did not enjoy being eaten.

with hindsight, I can see how my enthusiasm to engage with swimmers could be misread, and for this I apologise unreservedly.

6: William the Conqueror

FOLLOWING the Battle of Hastings, one of william, Duke of normandy’s senior ministers was interviewed on the fledgling today programme Picture: REX on Radio 4. SENIOR MINISTER: First of all, I wasn’t there, so I don’t know the details. like lots of other people I’ve seen the Bayeux tapestry, but that’s unreliable. INTERVIEWER: So you would agree that someone from your side shot an arrow through the eye of King Harold, and that this arrow caused his death? SENIOR MINISTER: as I say, I wasn’t there. So I’m going to wait and see the details of the investigation. meanwhile, the Duke has apologised, and for that he should be praised. INTERVIEWER: But what exactly is the Duke of normandy apologising for? SENIOR MINISTER: King Harold says that, with hindsight, he regrets the perceptions of what happened. But he ventured onto the so-called ‘battlefield’ only for a few minutes to thank his men for all their hard work. If an arrow happened to be fired, then we should have that conversation at a later date. I can’t comment on tittle-tattle.

To be continued...