The clownish actors tried auditioning for weightier roles at last

...on Ukraine crisis and PM’s threat of tougher sanctions

LUNCHTIME in the Commons and all of a sudden there came a blissful reprieve. Gone were the howls, the heckles and the piggy squeals of recent weeks. Anger was adjourned and indignation postponed.

Opposition MPs, who for the past few weeks have flapped their hands and waggled their tonsils, now sat bolt upright with their expressions rearranged to express a profound sense of concern. Clownish actors suddenly auditioning for weightier roles.

The Prime Minister had come to the House to issue a statement on the increasing prospect of war in Ukraine. It was as though the whole Chamber had at last found some perspective on what truly matters.

Boris Johnson too projected a sense of gravitas – one that has rather gone walkabout during the Partygate hullabaloo.

It helped that he had written his script himself. you can always tell when words have come from someone’s own quill – and especially from this wordsmith.

Boris informed the House that should Russia invade, he would be issuing sanctions ‘heavier than anything we have done before.’ The UK and its allies were not Defence Secretary Ben Wallace,

kneading his brow furiously. prepared to ‘bargain away’ the

Midway through, a breathless vision of a free Europe. Foreign Secretary Liz Truss had

Should Russia unleash its arrived, her peony cheeks flushed destructive firepower on the with anxiety. Ukrainian people, ‘I shudder to Narrowing those droopy eyes, contemplate the tragedy that Boris predicted worse bloodshed would ensue,’ he said, voice than anything in Europe since reduced to a quiet whisper. 1945 should Vladimir Putin continue

The Chamber listened with a on his path to war. respectful hush. The Prime Catastrophe would be felt by all, Minister’s voice was interrupted not just Ukrainians. ‘Many Russian only by the faintest of sounds – a mothers’ sons will not be squeak of green leather, a scratch coming home,’ he said. As he of a clerk’s pen nib. Beside him sat resumed his seat, members whispered their appreciation. It was an excellent speech.

Sir Keir Starmer did not seek to squabble with the Government. He had his own ‘four-point plan’ for Ukraine apparently. Get a load of the global statesman in waiting!

CREAKy old Colonel Bob Stewart (Con, Beckenham) agreed that sanctions were the best way forward. No better way of hurting Putin than by hitting him in the pocket. Iain Duncan Smith (Con, Chingford and Woodford Green) stressed the importance of letting Russia and China nowhere near our key infrastructure.

To think it was only two years ago that MPs were debating whether to let state-affiliated Chinese firm Huawei build our 5G network.

There was a quibble from Alison Thewliss (SNP, Glasgow Central) who made a jibe about iffy Russian cash floating around London ‘so much of which ends up in Tory coffers.’ Cue a barrage of outraged guffaws from Conservative MPs.

Otherwise, the session was remarkably consensual – a marked contrast to scenes just an hour before when Angela Rayner was granted an urgent question on the Downing Street parties scandal.

Opposition MPs worked themselves into the usual soapy lather, but more notable was how many Conservative backbenchers were now willing to come to the Prime Minister’s aide. When the last urgent question on Partygate was raised two weeks ago, most sat in embarrassed silence.

It would be tempting to assume the whips had cracked a few skulls together, were it not for independent-minded souls such as Sir Edward Leigh (Con, Gainsborough) who dared to suggest that there might be more pressing issues for MPs to consider than whether or not the PM had been served a piece of birthday cake in the office.

No – it was more likely, I suspect, that many had returned to their constituencies last weekend and were told by voters to belt up, hunker down and get on with addressing the important matters of state.