Ephraim Hardcastle
As a Falklands veteran, Prince Andrew might have expected to don his uniform and south Atlantic Medal for the 40th anniversary of the Argentinian surrender. But Andrew is unlikely to be joining the 10,000 veterans and their families taking part in a thanksgiving service at staffordshire’s National Memorial Arboretum in June. Organisers have asked Buckingham Palace to nominate another royal. At least he has the consolation, like all surviving combatants, of receiving the Freedom of the Falklands, handy should he need a remote post-litigation bolthole.
A GLORIOUS put-down from GB News anchor Colin Brazier as Europhile bore Lord Heseltine claims that Boris’s predicament could still ‘prompt questions’ about the Brexit campaign. ‘When listening to hardline Remainers,’ muses Colin, ‘it’s hard not to be reminded of the Japanese infantryman who emerged from the jungle in 1970, hoping the war was still on.’ Is Hezza, aka Tarzan, still in the Remainer jungle?
MARTIN Freeman’s Liverpool accent in the new BBC police drama The Responder invokes Lord sugar’s ire. ‘Hard to follow what he and other cast are saying,’ he tweets. ‘My wife [Ann] gave up watching, she said she could not understand a word.’ Pretend scouser Martin might cheer the old curmudgeon up with the joke about the Liverpool police returning to their car to find it mounted on bricks. They are working tyrelessly to find the culprits.
SCALDED by criticism of political bias, the BBC News channel chooses a voice not normally associated with the Westminster hot-house to review the papers – psychotherapist Lucy Beresford, pictured. She is widely known as the ‘naughty Mary Poppins’ for her weekly Sex And Relationships phone-in show on LBC radio. Among her fruity tips is that eating pineapple can make your sex life sweeter. ‘I love talking dirty,’ she advised one punter. ‘Maybe slip in a few words here and there.’ Looking forward to your next paper review Lucy!
ANDREW Lloyd Webber’s ‘da-da-da-dadaaah’ overture for The Phantom Of The Opera still rankles with drummer Nick Mason, who believes it is alarmingly similar to Pink Floyd’s echoes, their 23minute ambient rock classic released 15 years before the 1986 premiere of Phantom. ‘Well, funnily enough we refer to echoes as “The Phantom”,’ laughs Mason, on the eve of an upcoming 84-date echoes Tour. ‘i must remember to sue Andrew!’
NORTHERN Ireland Secretary Brandon Lewis is asked in the Commons by his Labour shadow Peter Kyle: ‘A question constantly put to me by people in Northern Ireland is, “What’s the point of Brandon Lewis?”’ Lewis’s response? ‘I appreciate that the Honourable Gentleman has been over to Northern Ireland once and so is basing his comments on some odd conversation.’ Back of the net, Brandon!
SIR David suchet receives an endearing message from his older sibling on his knighthood. ‘Congratulations brother,’ tweets John the retired ITN presenter. ‘i watched your very first performance. “Mummy i’ve got a tummy ache. i can’t go to school today”. You were six.’