There’s no bigger red flag than when a man LOVEBOMBS you
By VERITY ELLIS who was told after ten days ‘I want to have babies with you’
OF All the gushing messages Aiden had sent me, this one left me ecstatic. ‘I want you to be the mother of my children,’ it read. ‘You are my future wife.’ This man was perfect. Gorgeous and attentive, Aiden had put me at the centre of his world. My working hours were punctuated with the ping of my phone delivering flattering messages.
Every day started and ended with Aiden telling me he loved me. Recently, he’d added in a new ritual: turning up at work, surprising me with sandwiches for lunch or a bag of sweets I’d enjoy.
‘It was flowers today,’ I told my friends one evening. One swooned. The other groaned. ‘Isn’t this a bit too much too soon?’ she asked. I remember how, briefly, my heart sank as I grudgingly recognised she had a point.
You see, by then Aiden and I had known each other just ten days. The face-to-face moments we’d shared had been fleeting, most of our interactions taking place via phone messages. Physical intimacy had been limited to a handful of kisses.
looking back, I can clearly see that this wasn’t a man falling in love.
This was someone using ‘lovebombing’ to snare me — a dating phenomenon that all women should beware of this Valentine’s Day, and one that’s frighteningly on the rise.
lovebombing is when a man showers you with romantic gestures, artfully painting a picture of the beautiful future they intend to share with you, often when you’ve only known them weeks or even days.
In other words, they make you feel like all your romantic dreams have come true, when the devastating truth is you’re being swept off your feet by an arch manipulator. It’s all a game to them, with control at its core.
Just like the man in new Netflix hit The Tinder Swindler — who skilfully made three women fall in love with him when he was intent only on ripping them off. I understand now how that can happen, even though no money was involved in my case.
Deep down, I knew nobody could possibly care for someone as much as Aiden claimed he did after ten days. I was drunk on romance, intoxicated by how good Aiden’s overtures were making me feel.
Psychologist Jo Hemmings warns that technology has allowed lovebombing to surge. Online love letters are the virtual equivalent of sending flowers, gifts and champagne . . . without the cost.
‘Being lovebombed makes a woman feel cherished — it gives her a dopamine hit,’ adds Jo. ‘And that quickly adds up to strong feelings of attachment.
‘So, when you find you were being manipulated, that realisation feels far more devastating than your average bad date ever could.’
She insists it can happen to anyone — not just young women like me, but older generations, too. ‘It could be you, your daughter, your mother,’ she says. ‘These men know which buttons to press.’
Aiden came into my life completely by chance. I’d stepped into a cafe on my lunch break; he was the barista. Tall, athletic, with chiselled features — he reminded me of a Roman statue. I felt a frisson of excitement when we made eye contact and he held my gaze.
This was three years ago. I was 24 and single, having never had a proper boyfriend. I’m naturally quite shy. Behaving completely out of character, I grabbed a napkin and scribbled my number before passing it over with a nervous smile.
I didn’t expect anything to come of it. But a couple of hours later Aiden, who was the same age as me, sent me a message on WhatsApp. ‘That was so spontaneous,’ he gushed. ‘I love what you did!’ We met the next day for a coffee. He didn’t want to talk about himself — he said he was only interested in me. Just a week later, he told me I was everything he wanted in a woman.
Days later, he sent the message telling me he wanted us to get married and have kids. I told a girlfriend, who laughed.
‘He’s just sensitive,’ I told her. ‘Be careful,’ she warned.
All I knew was that Aiden made me feel wonderful — why should I be careful when he made me feel so good?
Two weeks to the day we met, Aiden took me on our first proper date. At the restaurant he pointed out a young couple at another table, fussing over their two small children. ‘That’ll be us,’ he told me, taking my hand. ‘We’ll have a family just like that.’
At the cinema he was more interested in me than the screen. When he asked if I wanted to go home with him, I didn’t hesitate.
Just before we got into bed, he positioned me in front of a mirror and said: ‘One day, you’ll have my children.’ After that, my heart soaring, we made love. And that’s where the lovebombing ended.
The sex lasted just a few minutes. Seconds after he climaxed, Aiden told me to get out of his bed. ‘Get out of my house,’ he snapped, clearly irritated. ‘I’m taking you to the train station.’
The ten-minute car journey was awful. I felt sick and emotionally paralysed, unable to even question what had just happened. He was silent. I was frightened; the change was terrifyingly sudden.
Had something about me repulsed him? Had I inadvertently done something terribly wrong?
I spent the next few days distraught as realisation slowly dawned. As happy as Aiden had made me feel, now I felt despair and revulsion at myself for being so spectacularly duped.
I struggled to accept he’d done all that just to get me into bed. It felt more like a cruel psychological game.
Two days later, Aiden messaged me saying he was sorry. ‘I had a weird moment,’ he claimed. ‘I’m disgusted with myself for how I treated you.’ It felt sinister — like he was trying to draw me back in. I told him to leave me alone and blocked his number. I’d gone from feeling validated to crushed.
According to psychologist Jo Hemmings, I had a lucky escape. ‘Narcissists use lovebombing as one of their techniques, not just to get a woman into bed but also to keep you under their thrall for as long as possible.
‘They enjoy the pursuit and your unquestioning attachment — it’s all about control. But after the lovebombing they abuse, then discard you, usually to move on and repeat the pattern with someone else.’
Jo says men who lovebomb tend to have low emotional intelligence and lack empathy.
Their skill lies in knowing how to manipulate others.
From my own experience, the only good thing about the pain of being lovebombed is that I will never fall victim to it again.
Jo says that after lovebombing, women are ‘left defensive, suspicious of anyone who tries to get close to them’, adding: ‘It can take a long time to overcome that.’
For weeks I felt hurt and humiliated. I was careful not to fall too quickly for men I dated.
Today though, I’m very much in love with my partner, who I met six months ago. He didn’t deluge me with romantic gestures. Instead, he’s presented as a reassuring constant. He does what he says he will do. He shows up on time. He’s reliable and kind.
I still can’t quite believe I fell for Aiden. I hope the next woman saw through him more easily.
So if your date this Valentine’s Day seems too good to be true, beware: if that’s what your gut is telling you, then he probably is.
‘It feels like all your romantic dreams have come true’
‘I struggled to accept he’d done all that just to get me into bed’
Men I Dated So You Don’t Have To by Verity ellis is published today by Clink Street Publishing, £9.99 (paperback).