Mega estate agents, fake tan and dialogue as wooden as decking

Don’t buy anything from a man on the doorstep. It’s never a good idea. Whether he’s flogging brushes or offering to tarmac your drive, just politely and firmly say no.

And if he’s wearing loafers with no socks, sporting earrings with a man-bun and claims he can sell your house for £5 million, send him packing. the same goes for saleswomen with so much fake tan their faces have turned green.

Property sales boss tyron Ash bragged, on Mega Mansion Hunters (C4), that his business was driven by agents who go door to door in upmarket areas, asking owners to let them list their homes.

tyron, 34, doesn’t have an office. Deals don’t get sealed on the High Street, he says. Anyway, he loathes traditional agencies and the way they do business.

though he wants us to know his turnover is in the tens of millions, he is still bubbling with resentment that established firms wouldn’t even offer him an interview for a sales job.

‘Was it the colour of my skin? I don’t know,’ he seethes.

I don’t know, either. But perhaps employers were put off by his 40-month prison sentence for intent to supply class-A drugs, in his 20s. In a business where reputation is everything, jail time doesn’t inspire confidence.

the original title for this show was Property Porn Stars and one look at the sales team told you why. tyron calls them his ‘real estate sharks’ but there was nothing real about them. From the manufactured arguments over bonuses to the ‘Brazilian bum lift’ or surgically enhanced buttocks flaunted by Sophie, 27, everything about the show was fake.

Sophie walked in to a thamesside apartment while rival Alex was showing his own client around. ‘oh,’ said Alex. ‘that’s a. Surprise.’ His line sounded as wooden as the balcony decking.

Later, tyron and Alex sat in an empty bar to have a definitely spontaneous and not-at-all scripted conversation about how they were both bullied at school.

the youngest of the so-called sharks was Chloe, 19, who promised she was making nearly £15,000 a month. If that’s true, I’m not sure why she can’t pay for a dog-sitter, instead of taking her labrador to viewings. We can only hope the taxman takes her declaration of earnings at face value, even if no one else believes it.

two more 19-year-olds, Ellie and Mimi, were earning less but having more fun as they raced tractors on The Fast And the Farmer-ish (BBC3).

the girls, with their team-mate — another Ellie, the 21-year-old Miss northamptonshire — were throwing around their John Deeres and Massey Fergusons in a muddy showdown with three Devon lads. When it was announced, as part of BBC3’s big return to screens, this show was widely mocked for its concept as well as its cringeworthy title.

‘this is gonna be awesome! Amazing!’ presenter tom Pemberton insisted, as he hyperventilated over ‘a series of diesel-powered challenges’.

In fact, these wacky races look like games Jeremy Clarkson might have played in his top Gear heyday. the competitors had to steer round obstacle courses while singing country hits, and use their vehicles to bowl tyres at sheds.

the sight of a deeply embarrassed boy called Bucky trying to reverse a farm vehicle while belting out Shania twain’s Man! I Feel Like A Woman, was stupidly entertaining.

After watching one half-hour episode, I can’t imagine I’ll ever feel the need to see another.