Microdates that will keep that romantic glow all year long

Do you have time for a date with your partner? If you’re anything like the couples in my marital therapy practice, you’ll have a complicated reaction to this question.

There will be guilt, because you ‘should’ be able to. Perhaps anger: you’ve tried, but the idea fell by the wayside.

Don’t worry if you’re frantic with work or family, dating doesn’t have to be another thing on your to-do list. Instead, try the latest trend for micro-dating — using moments of lost time (the ten minutes or so you’d normally waste on your phone) to reconnect.

Before I explain micro-dating, it’s important to understand why date night often doesn’t work. The first problem is high expectations: in rom-coms, dates either happen seamlessly, or are disasters that end up being cute or funny.

Date nights are also expensive, time-consuming, stressful and normally one partner ends up doing all the work, which can breed resentment.

Another problem is partners having different interpretations of what a date is for.

I see clients who plan dates only for them to fall flat when one half thinks they’re solely for fun and the other thinks they’re for discussing the reasons their relationship isn’t working. My biggest concern, however, is that lasting changes come from setting up positive habits that are easily replicated, rather than occasional grand gestures. Sourcing tickets for a sold-out show, for example, is a lovely one-off gesture, but it won’t sustain a relationship through all the little traumas.

There are three elements that are crucial to continuing to be lovers — not just husband and wife — and micro-dating puts these centre stage.

First, spending blocks of time together keeps you aware of what’s happening in each other’s life. It stops you thinking that you know everything about each other.

Second, it demonstrates that you truly want to spend time with your other half.

Third, it gives you plenty of opportunities to give positive feedback — after all, we all want to be appreciated.

So what makes something a micro-date?

Well, it must be deliberate. Plan ahead, but only by an hour or two. occasionally, you can be spontaneous, but setting the time in advance will make your partner feel valued and give them something to look forward to. Second, it needs to last at least ten minutes.

Make sure there are no interruptions and there is no

multi-tasking: give each other your undivided attention. There should be no problem-solving. The focus must be on fun.

So how does a micro-date work? It’s all about becoming conscious of your time. Instead of checking your emails first thing, use those ten minutes to stay in bed and cuddle.

Don’t fall into the all-or-nothing trap where you either have sex or don’t touch each other at all. Try plenty of cuddling rather than pressuring yourselves to fit a full love-making session into ten minutes!

A couple of micro-dates a day and more at weekends shows they’re a priority, while physical contact builds intimacy.

Backing up ‘I love you’ with actions is also important if a relationship is in crisis. one couple came to me looking for help after the husband had been unfaithful. By scheduling lunchtime video calls, they were able to share the trivia that fosters intimacy and a sense of trust.

A

noTher core idea of micro-dating is expressing gratitude. A good example is to synchronise your bedtimes and share three things from the day for which you’re grateful. Try to think of one sensual thing (frosted cobwebs on a hedgerow or a spicy chai latte), some kindness from someone else and one thing about your partner. Make your appreciation as specific as possible.

For some couples, it’s important to have a mechanism for dealing with problems, but micro-dates are for keeping things light. (If really riled, note down issues and agree a time to talk about them later.)

you may have been naturally incorporating micro-dating into your routine already. That’s great, but formally calling them ‘micro-dates’ will make you value them more.

If you would like to try microdating but are not sure you have enough time, spend a day being conscious of the time you waste — the ten minutes on your phone on social media for example. Total them up. you’ll be surprised, and perhaps a bit horrified, by the results.