How to seduce a picky guy like me!
Don’t bore me with star signs. Don’t show off in Dubai. And don’t think drinking water with lemon will make you look like Liz Hurley
Too short, too bald, bad shoes, wrong star sign. ‘Weird energy’, whatever that means. We are, it seems, becoming a nation of increasingly fussy daters.
Sometimes, it’s a physical peculiarity which can deter people.
one of the most neurotic people I know once rejected the advances of a highly eligible society beauty because he claimed her ankles looked strange when they were lying in bed.
Even now, whenever her apple-cheeked features pop up in various glossy magazines (her legs — to my eyes — the very essence of loveliness), he shows not a jot of regret. ‘They creeped me out,’ he sniffs. He’s still single, surprise surprise.
other times, it’s our worldly viewpoint someone simply can’t abide.
Several years ago an American girl I was having a drink with cut short our liaison when I suggested Brexit might not end up being quite the humanitarian crisis she envisaged.
Putting down her (rather sad-looking) vodka, lime and soda, she declared she couldn’t possibly spend a second more with someone so clearly narrow-minded. Come to think of it, the fact the referendum even arose on our first date probably suggests I had a lucky escape.
I say ‘increasingly’ fussy because it’s not just wonky bodily defects or unpalatable political opinions which hamper many of us from finding our perfect partner.
Thanks to the prevalence of mobile phones, even the smallest issue can put people off before they’ve discovered how a prospective partner takes their coffee in the morning. Like grammar.
That’s right. A recent poll of 2,000 British daters found that 52 per cent would look down on messages littered with spelling and punctuation errors.
other bugbears included using more than one exclamation mark and employing text speak such as YoLo (‘You only
Live once’), oMG (‘oh My God’) and LoL (‘Laughing out Loud’).
And that’s without ridiculous emojis to contend with. Daft? Actually, no.
PArT of me can’t help but feel encouraged we are such sticklers for decent English. It shows a certain self-respect, a pride in how we wish to be seen by others. After all, would you send a potential partner a picture via text with your unmade bed in the background, or your frilly underdrawers still drying on a laundry line? I didn’t think so.
Nor does it surprise me that it turns out women are even hotter on this point than men, with 58 per cent of ladies saying they would be ‘turned off’ by someone who repeatedly misspelt words or bungled their grammar, compared with 45 per cent of chaps.
A female friend once told me that if she were ever to get ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ mixed up in one of her text messages or social media posts, I should assume that she had been kidnapped and this was her way of trying to signal to me, such was her fastidiousness when it came to use of language.
Even the tiniest things can prove massive turn-offs.
As someone with more experience of dating apps than I should probably admit to, I happily confess that poor grammar has me swiping left without even a moment’s thought. But it’s not the only thing to guarantee it’s a no from me. My mental list of irritants and dating app pet hates has lengthened over the years and I am at last ready to share it.
Evidence of any of the following gaffes on your profile equals a thumbs down.
Strap in . . .
DODGY PLATITUDES
COD philosophy is a big no-no. You all know the sort of back-of-a -fag-packet philosophy I mean — allegedly heart-warming nonsense often written on pieces of driftwood: ‘Don’t look back, it’s not the way you’re going’, ‘Life is only as good as your mindset’. My mindset is I want to dash to the nearest bathroom and vomit.
See also: Astrology or any new age form of mysticism.
You’ve got a problem with Leos? Fascinating. Taxi!
CELEBRITY WOOWOO
WELLNESS is another doorbolter. Being gullible is not attractive. Message to wellness devotees: drinking water with lemon in it will not make you look like Elizabeth Hurley. Banging on about your self-care routine will not change your appearance — although it will make you less attractive as a prospective date.
COCKTAIL SHOTS
POSTING pictures of cocktails is OK if you’re celebrating just passing your GCSEs, but it’s hardly adult behaviour. After all, having your mobile phone out on the table when you’re out for dinner is a pretty good way of flicking the V — why advertise the fact that you’re likely to snap your way through every course should we ever make it that far?
POSH BLAGGING
SHOW-OFFS, in general, are a turn-off, so that’s anyone posting pictures of themselves in Michelin-starred restaurants or, God forbid, the lavatories of Mayfair nightclubs. or, worst of all, sprawled inside a first-class aeroplane cabin. No, no, no.
Sharing holiday snaps is just about acceptable. As long as it’s not Dubai. Seriously, what is it about people opening their curtains onto this dreadful giant desert dune that makes them think it sparks envy in others?
Frankly, shuddering along the Jubilee line on a Monday morning with your head nestled inside a neighbour’s armpit still beats a week in this soulless man-made monument to vulgarity.
If you think the creepy United Arab Emirates is the place to be, you’re probably not for me.
And what is it about ruddy mirror selfies?
Some people love to pepper you with pictures of themselves posing in front of the mirror in their gym clothes.
Some even do it in their cycling gear. or rock climbing. Even having their face blown sideways while sky diving. Nobody needs to see that.
WOKE PHRASES
THE phrases ‘inner work’, ‘safe spaces’, non-binary pronouns, ‘Hello My name is Annabel and I identify as a woman’. Swipe left, left, left, left...
WORK BORES
ASSUMING we’ve got past the matching and on to the messaging stage, we’re still not home and hosed.
There are, I’m afraid, even more major no-nos. Failing to remember something important I’ve not long before told you is up there, too.
I wouldn’t expect someone to remember the name of the first family dog, but recalling what I do for a living would be nice.
That said, work discussions are probably best off the table in these first few WhatsApps.
There will come a time when it is oK to bore a partner on your latest strategy meeting or how your inadequate line manager just isn’t helping you realise your full potential. But message number two, three four or five is not it.
TARDINESS
AND finally — when we actually get off the app and meet — the real biggy: lateness.
Men expect women to be a bit late. In fact, it’s often helpful as you rootle out a decent table and engage in light banter with the barman which makes you appear like you’re au fait with the staff.
Anything more than half an hour, though, suggests we men have nowhere better to be. Which of course we do.
Unless we’re meeting Charlize Theron, that is: Charlize can be as late as she likes.