I admit it. I’m a serial ‘ghoster’. Did I have the guts to say sorry?
It’s the curse of modern dating prospective lovers suddenly ignoring you on social media. One repeat offender tried to make amends
ghosting. I was nervous. I didn’t know how they’d both take it. Maybe they’d been really hurt by my sudden disappearance?
Maybe they’d be even more upset I was now contacting them? ed was the first to reply
— and, happily, forgave my ghosting immediately. ‘No need to apologise. We’ve all done it.’
Wanting to ‘do his bit’ for modern dating, he agreed to go
for dinner with me to discuss it further. I booked a table at a pub and went to meet him. We embraced, sat down and laughed in awkward acknowledgement of the surreal situation.
‘I’d have appreciated a text to explain. I wasn’t angry about it, but it would have been great to know what was going on,’ he said.
‘Saying that, I saw it coming. I got the vibe on our third date that you weren’t interested. It felt like you didn’t really want to be there. When we were texting and you didn’t commit to any plans, I knew.
I think had our third date been different I’d have felt more betrayed by the ghosting. I didn’t feel betrayed, but it did play on my mind.’ So, why can being ghosted be hard to deal with? ‘The uncertainty of it can lead us to question all kinds of things about ourselves,’ says Maria Uther, professor of psychology at the University of Wolverhampton, who specialises in cyber psychology. ‘You start to over-analyse everything you’ve said and done. It can impact people’s self-esteem.’ The ambiguity of it also makes it harder to move on, says Logan Ury, hinge’s director of relationship science. ‘You don’t know where you stand with the other person,’ she says. ‘Are they gone for ever or one text away from seeing you again? ‘While 17 per cent of hinge users who ghost say they do it because “it’s less hurtful to disappear than to straight-out reject someone,” that’s not what people getting ghosted prefer. ‘When asked how they’d like to be treated when someone isn’t interested, 85 per cent said, “Tell me! rejection hurts, but I’d rather know.”’ Ghosting isn’t new, but online relationship therapist Charisse Cooke believes the internet has made it more prevalent. ‘Being online makes it easier to have a lack of normal manners and etiquette. You are less accountable and distance means you can avoid difficult conversations or responsibility,’ she says. ‘We don’t wish to cause anyone upset or pain. But really, not knowing what has happened is worse.’
My date with my second ghostee, rob, was planned for the day after my first. I’d booked a cafe for brunch. he’d responded to my text very differently to ed. ‘It’s not ghosting after one date,’ he said brusquely, with no hello. ‘You don’t owe
anyone anything until about three dates. What you did was normal and sound. In my perception you didn’t ghost me.’
‘But I cut contact with you after our date,’ I replied. ‘I think it’s worse after a few dates but still bad after one.’
‘By this definition I’ve been ghosted countless times and ghosted others countless times,’ he said. ‘So, you’ve got no
qualms about not replying to someone you’ve been on a date with then?’ I ask. ‘No — I do that all the time. It’s normal!’
It was an interesting perspective and one, I told him, I’d be keen to hear more about. We agreed to meet and he told me he’d speak ‘completely candidly’ on the condition I wouldn’t print
his name or photograph. Not a problem, I said.
I got a text the day before. ‘Bailing on tomorrow. Don’t trust you. Sorry.’ I explain I wouldn’t be allowed to use his name and photo without his
permission but he doesn’t respond. A little later, I text again: ‘hi. What do you think?’
Nothing. radio silence. I’d been ghosted by my ghostee. I cancelled the table and thought about how beautifully ironic it was. Did he do it on purpose for that reason? I guess that’s the thing about ghosting — I’ll never know. But sending the perfect
let-down message can be tricky.
SO what is the best thing to say when you want to let someone down gently? Professor Uther recommends keeping it simple. ‘Something like, you’re very nice but it’s not for me,’ she says.
Charisse said: ‘I recommend a degree of honesty but not total honesty that will hurt their feelings — for example saying you think they’re unattractive.
We need to approach dating as open-heartedly and courageously as possible.’
And how can you deal with it if you are ghosted? ‘Don’t make assumptions,’ says Professor Uther. ‘Don’t assign the worst possible story to yourself about it. It has more to do with them than you.’
Now, I’m dating again, but this time I’ll be braver and kinder if I don’t feel a connection with someone. having been on both sides of ghosting, I now know it’s not right for anyone.
NAMES have been changed to protect identities