Good Lord, M’lud, look at M’lady . . .
LORD GRANTHAM: A word of advice, Carson. It pays to offer a friendly word of advice to those below one on the social scale. CARSON: Wise words indeed, M’lud. And most gratefully received. I shall pass them on immediately. Barrow! BARROW: Yes, Mr Carson? CARSON: A word of advice, Barrow. It pays to offer a friendly word of advice to those below one on the social scale. BARROW: Thank you, Mr Carson. Most grateful, Mr Carson. I shall pass it on this minute. Daisy! DAISY: Yes, Mr Barrow? BARROW: A word of advice, Daisy. It pays to...
Enter lady Cora, distraught. LADY CORA: Excuse me for interrupting, b-b-but Robert, come at once! Your poor dear mama is fading fast. LORD GRANTHAM: That is indeed the most terrible news. But I know she would first wish me to share a few words of advice with family and staff. Wearing roller-skates when going downstairs is rarely the best policy, Mr Molesley. No man can enter the sea without getting wet, Mrs Hughes. When smoking a cigarette, it is the unlit end that you should place in your mouth, Lady Jemima. Soup should not be eaten with a knife and fork, Daisy. Neither a borrower nor a... LADY CORA: Hush, Robert! No time to waste! Pray, summon the household to your mother’s bedroom! The bedroom of Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham. The Countess is sitting up in bed. Her extended family and the entire household staff have squeezed into her bedroom, and are now bunched up around her bedside. VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: I am preparing to meet my maker. It will be the first time I have encountered anyone in trade. But they tell me He is respectable.
Before I pass away, I wish to offer a few words of advice to each of you in turn. Mary... LADY MARY: Yes, Granneh? VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: You and I have always shared a special affinity. For this reason, I wish to leave you my tiara. LADY MARY: But Granneh, I couldn’t possibly — well, if you insist. lady Mary reaches forward to grab the tiara. VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF GRANTHAM: Not while I’m still wearing it! Robert? LORD GRANTHAM: Dear Mama, I hope I haven’t been a disappointment. VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: Your words, not mine. I’ll never forget the occasion you were arrested on suspicion of the murder of Lord Blatherby after he had blackmailed you over the death of his first wife who was said to have run off with the senior coachman who, it later transpired, was in fact the illegitimate son of the Duke of Trethgarne, who, in a moment of madness, had passed the port to the right, an act for which he was blackmailed by an under-gardener who had witnessed the event through the keyhole of the dining-room, causing Mrs Patmore to suffer a heartattack, for which Dr Skunk was ill-prepared, having taken to the bottle following the death of his sister, Lavinia Skunk, at the hands of... LORD GRANTHAM: I don’t wish to hurry you, Mama, but this is, as I understand it, your death-bed. We really do have an awful lot to get through. LADY EDITH: Are you absolutely sure the senior coachman was the illegitimate son of the Duke of Trethgarne, Granneh? I could have sworn that was Bates. BATES: If you say so, M’lady. LADY EDITH: Or do I mean Jeffries? VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: Now you’ve lost me. I don’t remember a Jeffries. LADY EDITH: Episode 6, Series 4, Granneh. He came to the door announcing he was in fact my former lover, Prince Abdullah, who had disappeared on the Titanic, two series beforehand, when most of us recognised him as Jeffries, the serial killer from Series 3 of Broadchurch. VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: Be that as it may, I now wish to... LORD GRANTHAM: Is that really the time? A word of advice, Mama. Deathbed farewells are best completed well in time for those remaining to dress for dinner. VIOLET, DOWAGER COUNTESS OF
GRANTHAM: Never hasten one’s mother on her deathbed, Robert. It’s so middle-class. Now where was I?