I never feel loved by my husband
DEAR BEL,
I AM 74, my husband 83 — we’ve been married for 56 years, and are great-grandparents to four lovely children. We love our whole family very much and they’re all devoted to my husband.
I have always loved him and believe he loves me too — but in all the years we have been married, he has only said it once. That was when his mother died, decades ago.
Many years ago my husband decided he no longer wanted sex. It had been dwindling for some years. I thought it may be the male menopause, as Tom was 57 to my 48. Nothing happened; he said no more about it.
I suggested we talk to a counsellor, but no — he would not mention it.
This was his attitude throughout our married life. For example, when I discovered a lump in my breast, he said nothing — so it wasn’t happening.
My husband is a good man, much quieter than me — always a talker. He calls it shyness, but it makes it difficult to have a discussion. I am going insane, thinking about being held and loved.
More than once I have asked him to explain — feeling if I could understand it, things might become easier.
As it is, I’m just so thankful for my dogs — one of which I am convinced has saved my life with his unconditional love and companionship.
I don’t want sex for sex’s sake and would hate a one-night stand. I need to love and feel loved.
PAM
YouR letter reminds me of the fact that the young tend to be amazed, even shocked, that the elderly can still feel a need for passion. The poet A.S.J. Tessimond described this longing as the ‘. . . landlocked, long complaint’ of ‘the all-too-youthful heart’. I hear that wistful keening within your words.
Asked about letters, I answer a common question about the differences between male and female problems with a generalisation: ‘Men write because their wives no longer want sex, but women write because their husbands don’t communicate or cuddle.’
of course, that word ‘cuddle’ needs explanation too, because many men can only view cuddles as a useful prelude to full sex, whereas their wives long for a cuddle as a proof of deep affection. There is truth in this over-simplification.
So there will be many women feeling great sympathy for your sadness. Many may be thinking how relieved they feel at the lack of sex in their marriages, yet still identify with your longing for love. Not lovemaking. Love.
There is no easy answer to your problem. I could suggest counselling, but you and I know he will simply turn away. If he refused to think of it all those years ago he’s not going to now.
A man his age is inevitably set in his ways — one of which is a lack of communication skills. Perhaps he is genuinely shy and that was a part of his reticence about sex. It’s a major delusion of our times that frequent, satisfying sex is the norm.
of course, lovemaking within a marriage can be utterly wonderful, and many couples feel it cements the mental/spiritual devotion they share.
They are the happy ones. But for many others — and I suspect you probably fit
into this category — being held tightly by the person you love, and hearing words of affection sincerely expressed, represents the kind of devotion that lasts ‘until death do us part’. And beyond, for that matter.
What lies ahead for you? It might help to have some
counselling on your own, to help you analyse your feelings to come to terms with the realities of your life.
Be honest with yourself: at this stage you are not going to leave your husband. The family structure you value gives you support and in addition to that I suggest you aim to fill your time as
much as possible with friends, activities, tasks, fun.
Don’t wait for your husband to give you a hug; give him one instead. He won’t change, but you might.
Having said that, may I suggest it is a mistake to assume that words not uttered are not felt? Many men tell women they love them, pouring sweet nothings into their ears as if they had just invented Romance.
But then they lie and cheat, leaving trust in tatters. Life has taught some of us to value deeds, not words.