Ephraim Hardcastle
HAS former Met commissioner Dame Cressida Dick been measuring ermine for her Lords debut? Five of the last six commissioners have been elevated (the missing one being Sir Paul Stephenson, who resigned after his judgment was questioned). Theresa May, who had promised not to hand out automatic peerages for establishment figures, eventually caved in and ennobled Dick’s predecessor – the equally controversial Bernard Hogan-Howe. But she did keep him waiting for nine months. Given that one of Dick’s last decisions in office was to launch the Partygate investigation, will Boris borrow Theresa’s leisurely timepiece before sending Cressida to the red benches?
THE Queen’s former private secretary Sir William Heseltine, 91, paying a Jubilee tribute, recalls his first Balmoral Ghillies Ball being drenched with perspiration after keeping up with the Queen’s dancing. Then, to his horror, HM asked him to take the floor with her. ‘I’m a pretty basic dancer,’ he told her, adding: ‘Somehow we stumbled through a rumba and a samba. At the end of it she said, “Yes, you are a pretty basic dancer.” And she never asked me to dance again.’
TORY MP Michael Fabricant, who says he’s ‘probably bisexual’, indignantly announces: ‘Let me tell you something: There is no such thing as being a “deviant” in sexual behaviour as long as the participants are doing it willingly and enjoying it without any compulsion. Being a deviant is for the last century.’ Massey Ferguson brochures anyone?
ADORNED with two Oliviers and a Tony, Lindsay Duncan, pictured, enthusiastically signs autographs for simpering fans but halts midscribble on discovering her admirers only want to talk about her role as C-3PO’s silver counterpart TC-14 in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. ‘I said six words,’ she wails. ‘It’s not exactly a performance.’
WITH both Afghanistan and Pakistan demanding the return of the priceless Koh-i-Noor diamond from the Queen Mother’s crown, presenter Clive Myrie is asked by Radio Times if it should be returned. ‘I have no position on that, frankly,’ he replies diplomatically, mentioning that he was warned of the diamond’s curse when making his forthcoming BBC documentary on the Crown Jewels. ‘Any man who comes into contact with the stone dies a swift and deadly death,’ was the warning. Adds Clive: ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t go anywhere near it!’
LIKE a dog with a bone, Lord Bragg continues to object to Michael Grade’s appointment as Ofcom boss, wailing: ‘He is a Tory lord, an absolute whipped Tory lord, a Tory mouthpiece. How can they give it to a man as biased as that?’ And to think that when their lordships were just plain Melv and Mike at LWT, they were the best of chums!