Should my mum leave her house to charity?

DEAR BEL,

MY MOTHER, aged 92, has decided to leave her house to charity in her will.

The residue of the estate (not insubstantial) will be shared equally between my sister and I.

My sister is furious, exclaiming — in a heated exchange with my mother — that she was relying on the money from the house.

As a consequence, she has cut off contact with my mother.

My sister fell out with my father, just months before he died, also over a money-related issue. He was deeply hurt when she refused to speak to him.

On that occasion I intervened, telling her that life is too short. That was, as it turned out, sadly prophetic.

My sister lives 15 minutes from my mother and regularly shops and collects prescriptions for her, because health troubles make it difficult for her to leave the house.

Unfortunately, I am 350 miles away, and although I visit regularly, I can’t provide onthe-ground care and support, particularly in the case of an emergency.

I’m disappointed, upset and extremely concerned that my sister could behave like this, when she knows our mother needs support.

But I’m reluctant to intervene again, as at the age of 66, I feel my sister needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

But I’m loathe to leave my mother in such a vulnerable position.

I’m at a loss as to the best way forward and would very much welcome your advice.

PAMELA

This family situation is very sad and (what’s even sadder) not uncommon. Living so far away must cause you great anguish, when you think how confused your mother must be at being so treated by one of her daughters.

it is never pleasant to read of naked greed, and yet it is surely the root cause of very many conflicts and crimes.

You don’t give any details of your sister’s work, family or general financial situation, so (bending over backwards to be fairer than i’m feeling) we should perhaps consider that she is very anxious and/or in debt.

That would explain her response but not excuse it.

i don’t understand what you mean by ‘my sister needs to take responsibility for

her own actions’. she has proved before that she is incapable of putting family love before money, so why would she change now?

I certainly think you should tell her what you think, and remind her of how soon your father died after their row.

If she continues to ignore your mother she will be responsible for great hurt, neglect and possibly even worse.

You need to tell her, in no uncertain terms. But make sure you keep calm. shouting and blaming never helps.

People like your sister need to be quietly, reasonably, gently shamed, while at the same time shown a modicum of ‘understanding’ — along the lines of, ‘I can see that it was a real shock for you, but Mum’s trying to help others and we have to respect that, even if we don’t agree.’

Meanwhile, without delay, you need to hit search engines and the telephone to access the help to which your mother is entitled within the community. The best place to start is, of course, Age uK (ageuk.org.uk) which has a mass of invaluable information on its website. They also have a free telephone helpline, a way to find local groups and so on.

I know that when my mother became frail and needy a part of me panicked and felt helpless. It’s a natural response — which is why you need outside help.

You must contact your local council’s social services department and arrange a care needs assessment and make a plan.

People are there to help, so don’t delay. It will probably be inevitable that you’ll need to travel to your mother’s to put the final pieces in place, meet carers, a social worker, local Age uK staff — whatever is needed.

If your mother has any worries about a new regime you can ease her mind. And you can have a good talk to your sister, too.