My lover is still seeing his wife

DEAR BEL,

I’D like your advice about whether my lover will ever commit to me.

We have been in a relationship for several years and, a few months ago, he finally left his wife for me. I love our life together and cannot imagine not being with him, but he appears totally unwilling to sever his connections

from his old life and his wife. He visits her regularly. His excuses for the visits are wearing thin and they cause me great upset.

I am starting to wonder if the roles have reversed and he is now having an affair with his wife and I am the one he is doing the dirty on.

I constantly ask him to show some form of commitment to me but he always has an excuse why he hasn’t moved all of his possessions or started divorce proceedings etc.

What’s more, he has asked me to put his name on my home, as a joint tenant or something like that. My head is telling me this would not be wise but my heart just wants to please him. I can’t keep carrying on like this but I can’t bear the thought of being without him.

Will he ever commit to me? Should I give him an ultimatum?

SUSAN

Your email was much longer but you made it very clear that you didn’t want many details to be included. I respect that, of course, but need to inform readers that the situation is far more complicated than it seems from the brief text you have permitted.

In truth, you have been set upon the rack by this man for a long time, made very unhappy by his excuses not to live with you (first) and then by his continuing loyalty to — and apparent love for — the wife he says he is going to divorce.

In general, I would approve of a couple who remain on good terms after a separation, because the world is full of toxic people who hate where they once loved — and seem to enjoy being at war.

But this is a strange situation where your boyfriend has not made any plans to divorce and includes his wife in all his arrangements, to such an extent that at times he leaves you out. He seems to display smarmy, dishonest cruelty.

Your phrase ‘great upset’ is a shorthand for disappointment, anxiety, confusion, real pain and much anger, too. It’s also relevant that there is an age gap which feeds your sense of insecurity. You sound obsessed and besotted with your lover and almost ready to do anything he wants, just to keep him with you.

It’s quite a dangerous situation because he has now started to make claims on your property. The worst-case scenario is that he and his wife have colluded, with financial gain their shared goal. It won’t be the first time, nor the last.

I realise that suggestion will sound cynical and probably upset you, too.

But you wouldn’t have written to me if you are unaware that the situation cannot be allowed to continue.

This man has strung you along, flipflopping about moving in, fibbing about divorce, hurting you by seeming to put his wife first, and always avoiding the commitment you crave. Your last question is irrelevant, since you have surely ‘given him an ultimatum’ once or twice before.

It seems to me that your desperate need for your lover is coming close to turning you into his victim — and I believe you should be very, very careful.