Without intimacy I feel so unwanted

DEAR BEL,

I’M 60, my husband is 47 and we’ve been married for 20 years. We have a daughter, who is 18, and I have four kids from a previous marriage.

Our family is really loving and supportive. We’re a balanced, civilised and caring couple. And we do love each other.

But this evening I plucked up the courage to speak to my husband about the total lack of intimacy in our lives. There was little enough before but, in the past three years, none at all.

I’d mentioned it on New Year’s Eve — pointing out that we sleep in separate rooms and barely manage a hug in front of the television. His response was that he’s just not interested any more.

I was worried it was because I’d put on weight and was older, but he says it’s nothing to do with either. He’s just not interested in sex any more and it doesn’t worry him. I tried gently to point out that it actually was an issue for me. It hadn’t even occurred to him.

I know the mattress in our super-king bed hurts his back, but sex doesn’t require much time out of one’s night and I feel it’s become an excuse for sleeping in the spare room.

It is always me who brings up this issue but it never makes any difference. I feel lonely and hopeless — as well as distraught that he never worries about how this impacts on me.

My husband is a lovely guy. But I don’t know what to do.

VALERIE

BEING absolutely honest, I confess that your letter made my heart sink. But that’s all the more reason for me to give it space in this column, because this is an issue which crops up a lot and affects many people. I was once berated by a reader for daring to suggest (answering a similar letter) that sex causes far more trouble than it is worth. Well, that’s a crude synopsis of what I wrote but it sums up my general attitude.

Recently, I had a conversation with a man I know who ventured the opinion that if a man or woman loses interest in sex, there is nothing that can be done.

Many people — both sexes — reach early middle age to find this is the case.

The thrill has gone in the relationship and the urge has gone, too. Perhaps they never did have much of a sex drive. Maybe, even as teenagers, they secretly preferred to read a book or watch the big match than roll around snogging.

It’s my considered view that the extraordinary emphasis placed on sex in society (franker each year) gives a very skewed view of the importance of the onceprivate moments.

Yes, sex can be the most glorious and transcendent experience, binding you to someone you love. But when the need for sexual release dies out, the love that is left between two soulmates can be more beautiful and profound and long-lasting than any orgasm.

Some people will find that thought a heresy. Sex therapists and columnists might expect me to suggest you slip into his room, all perfumed and ready, slide naked into his bed and try the skin-on-skin therapy that can work wonders.

They will offer ‘touching’ and ‘holding’ as advice — and there is nothing wrong with such generous counsel.

However, in reality, couples do pass the point at which such ruses work. Embarrassment kicks in. Rusty robots no longer move — and, in real life, no Repair Shop skill can fix a mind which has simply decided, ‘not interested any more’.

What’s more, women can make an effort for the sake of the marriage. Can a man achieve an erection if he doesn’t want to?

But your question is how can you deal with a situation that’s making you unhappy. Can it be accepted?

You love and care for one another, which seems to be the best signpost for a companionable old age when one may have to do more caring than the other.

In parts of Eastern Europe, it used to be quite common for couples to sleep separately. For me, the comfortable companionship of the double bed is essential and keeps loneliness at bay.

In your place, I would get rid of that mattress, perhaps invest in one of those double beds with separate halves and suggest you start sharing a bedroom again.

A night-time hug can warm the heart, even if other parts stay asleep. I suspect you crave love and affection more than the old three-letter word.