Dare you get your chap a beauty box for Father’s Day?
ASk your average man what he keeps in his spongebag and the likelihood is he’ll say there’s nothing more than a Bic razor and a crusty old bar of Imperial Leather. Ok, Ok, perhaps a stick of deodorant (non-fragranced).
If he’s really comfortable in his masculinity, he might let slip that he keeps an Aristotle of aftershave in there — something dark and musky, ponging of alpha-male testosterone. Yet I’m here to reveal the truth: many of us are lying when we claim to adhere to this spartan self- care regime. Most modern men’s bathrooms are overflowing with more ointments and whiffy unguents than are in kim kardashian’s boudoir.
This change has crept in slowly. One particularly vain friend of mine, who’s just received his second hair transplant, practically packs an entire suitcase full of different balms and lotions whenever he travels.
Perhaps I shouldn’t laugh. If I’d looked after my own face a bit better rather than dousing it in oil while on beach holidays as a youth, maybe it wouldn’t be blighted by sun spots.
We might keep that fact quiet, but you can instantly see the change if you walk down the men’s aisle of any chemist. They are now filled with every beauty product imaginable — all in swathes of ‘manly’ jet-black packaging. No blue, or funky yellow. Jet black.
Father’s Day this weekend has seen the launch of special editions and gift sets in sombre black with the occasional sparkly silver trim. Never mind that the contents may be identical to the ‘women’s’ ones in white or pretty pastel pink just a few aisles down — these, the marketers scream, are beauty products for men.
This emphasis is necessary because, despite the explosion of male grooming products over the past decade — an industry now worth £64 billion globally — we chaps still don’t like to admit to buying fancy products and God forbid acknowledge we might have (dread phrase) ‘a skin routine’.
Manufacturers have sussed that men have to be gently coaxed into buying what ladies refer to as beauty products. That means putting them in separate, clearly signposted ‘menonly’ sections of department stores, away from any tittering as shop assistants ask us embarrassing questions such as what skin type we are.
Most of all, though, it means packaging products in something manly. Getting men to take these things off the shelf is half the battle. We don’t want to be handing over things to the cashier with any frills or fluff.
For Father’s Day, all the sleepdeprived dads out there might yearn to be given an eye cream to smooth out some of the pruned lines under their peepers, or even a facial massager to lift sagging jowls.
But many will only feel comfortable accepting such a gift if it’s made very clear that it’s not in any way, for want of a better word, girly.
Is it patronising for companies to target men in such a basic way? Not really. Let’s face it, it’s not as if you see many of us walking around in pink suits. As Henry Ford said about cars, you can have it in any colour as long as it’s black. But maybe there is something in it. After all, I don’t think Cristiano Ronaldo got so silky and shiny with just a shake of talc and a squirt of Old Spice.
So, can the new macho-packaging ranges convince me to go over to the dark side — by which I mean, apply moisturiser regularly and possibly do something about my eyebrows?
HIGHLAND HE-MAN
The White Company Loch shampoo and conditioner (£13, thewhitecompany.com)
I’M rather shocked to find that even The White Company, the homeware firm which established itself by (as its name suggests) selling only whitecoloured products, has made its men’s shampoo — inspired by the ‘ruggedness’ of the Scottish countryside — come in a, yes, you guessed it, black bottle.
VERDICT: Very fragrant. 3/5
DELIGHTFULLY 007
Tom Ford for Men concealer (£36, tomford.co.uk); Tom Ford for Men brow definer (£37)
FASHION giant Tom Ford — whose chiselled Texan features are used to flog his own fancy wares — has gone the whole hog by not just issuing a range of aftershaves, but also items we associate with women, such as concealers and bronzers. There’s even something called an ‘eyebrow definer’. Each one of these comes in a delightfully nifty silver and black casing, like the sort of thing James Bond would tuck into his washbag. VERDICT: The products are simply not things I would dream of using. Full marks though to the handsome packaging. 2/5
TOP-NOTCH TEETH
Spotlight Oral Care teeth whitening strips for men (£39.95, spotlightoralcare.com) Surely there’s no difference between men’s and women’s whitening strips? And yet these comes in a black Pringles-shaped tube. With any luck they should clear up all those red wine and coffee stains that have accumulated down the years. VERDICT: Bit of a palaver — having to wear them for an hour (as instructed) while the strips supposedly do their thing is playing havoc with my evening cocktail. 2/5
DEEP-SEA SMOOTHIE
Elemis Pro-collagen marine cream for men (£35, elemis.com) LOVE this one, not so much for anything it does, but the way it looks. It’s black of course, with stylish silver lettering in no-nonsense block capitals. VERDICT: Feels nice on the skin but more importantly it looks suitably macho in case it’s spotted lurking in your washbag. 5/5
PEACOCK POLISHER
Clarisonic Mia Men sonic facial cleansing device with charcoal brush head (£83, currentbody.com) THIS is a cleansing brush which whizzes around your face ultra-fast, supposedly digging out all that horrid grime. Originally launched for women, the men’s version is exactly the same — but in graphite. VERDICT: Leaves your face looking like it’s just come out of a bowling ball polisher. 4/5
GUN-METAL GADGET
CurrentBody skin face sculptor (£35, currentbody.com)
THIS two-pronged facial roller contraption (in recherche gun-metal dark grey) will apparently give me a ‘firmer, brighter complexion’. Whether it does or not is anyone’s guess — I couldn’t discern any difference.
VERDICT: The sensation of cold steel rubbing up and down my gills is rather relaxing after a long day sketch- writing in the House of Commons.