Sheer chaos: we’ve got the builders in!

I’ve got the builders in, and without being dramatic Hopscotch in a minefield would be less traumatic. The site foreman, Dave, was the first in this morning. A true multi-tasker, he can nose-pick while yawning. He was sitting busily writing the day’s hectic agenda: ‘Brew up . . . place a bet . . . up the price on our tender.’ Then a wood pigeon landed on his newly built wall Which collapsed, as if hit by a winged wrecking ball. ‘Did you see that?’ I said, sheer disbelief in my words. ‘Well, it was a fat pigeon, you’re over-feeding the birds.’ ‘A fat pigeon!’ I said. ‘I’ve seen sturdier walls on a tent!’ ‘Point taken, we might need to start using cement. ‘The trouble is, cement mixers are expensive to hire, ‘But we can mix a bit up in your wife’s tumble dryer.’ Just then Jamie arrived, the team’s labourer and brickie. ‘This hangover’s murder, I should’ve thrown a sickie.’ A good bricklayer was Jamie till he had a glass or ten, Then he had the laying capacity of a constipated hen. To my greatest surprise, he began laying straight away . . . Full-length on my sun lounger, getting a tan on full pay. ‘Why not fit the solar panels?’ I said, my patience now gone. ‘Great idea!’ they both said and put their sunglasses on. ‘When I said solar panels, I meant the ones for the roof.’ ‘Aaah, slight problem there, to tell you the truth. ‘Dan, our new roofer, is not really a roofer by rights. ‘He’s allergic to slate and terrified of heights. ‘To be honest, he’s not really a house roofer as such. ‘He does mostly dog kennels and the odd rabbit hutch. ‘On roofs above 6 ft he gets these nauseous feelings. ‘So we build the roofs lower, but you’ll have lower ceilings.’ ‘Lower ceilings?’ I said. ‘Just how low are we talking?’ ‘You’ll be fine if you bend your knees while you’re walking. ‘And get them shoes with no heels they sell in the market, ‘But to be on the safe side, don’t buy too thick a carpet.’ When Rob the spark arrived, I was filled with alarm. He had ‘How to wire a plug’ tattooed on his arm. ‘I hope you can change a light bulb,’ I half-jokingly said. ‘Yeh, the instructions for that are tattooed on me leg.’ Plumber Simon was the owner of Plumbers-R-Not-Us. He had an issue with the pipework he wanted to discuss. ‘These pipes I’ve plumbed in have developed a slight flaw ‘When I turn on the boiler, it heats the fishpond next door. ‘So you’d best set the boiler at the two centigrade mark. ‘Any hotter than that and you’ll poach next door’s koi carp.’ I hoped Tony the painter might be one of the day’s plusses Until I saw him collecting dog hairs to make his own brushes. ‘You’ll put on an undercoat?’ I asked, not too impressed. ‘Put on an undercoat? I don’t even wear a vest!’ And so the day continued, with trauma after trauma. Simon’s dodgy boiler just got warmer and warmer. Tony’s dog hair brushes had fewer hairs than he’d planned So he was chasing our labrador with a lasso in one hand. In his other hand were items that confirmed our dog’s fears A chloroform-soaked rag and the wife’s garden shears. Chasing both was Jamie, who was absolutely sure That a hair of the dog is the best hangover cure. Then my wife burst in wearing strange concrete attire. ‘Someone’s mixed up cement in my new tumble dryer!’ She slowly started cracking, like vertical crazy paving. ‘It’s not good enough, Dave!’ I said, absolutely raving. ‘My wife’s cracking up — and I don’t mean with laughter!’ ‘Don’t panic!’ Dave said. ‘We can skim her with plaster.’ Then Rob dropped his trousers to revise a skill he’d forgotten. He had ‘How to change a fuse’ tattooed on his bottom. The doorbell then rang and it was our new neighbour Clive. I said: ‘Has Dave parked his ice cream van on your drive?’ ‘Fish murderer!’ he bawled, totally ignoring my remark, Then slapped me round the face with a lightly poached carp. I was slapped several times and gave a Banshee-like scream, Then heard: ‘Wake up! Wake up! You’re having a bad dream. ‘I had to slap you,’ said the wife. ‘You wouldn’t stop screaming, ‘Shouting “Our labrador’s bald! And I’ve only got a 5 ft ceiling!” ‘You had a nightmare about our project, but not all builders misbehave. ‘By the way, a quote’s come in from some builder . . . called Dave.’ G. Cope, Stock, Essex.