My dread over dog-hating grandad

DEAR BEL

I’VE been with my husband for 30 years and we’ve been blessed with three children. My husband has a good relationship with his father and our two girls love their grandfather, although he is much more judgmental and distant towards our son.

I have always tried hard to get along with him but I am starting to dread his visits. He can be very rude. He has always hated dogs and recently recounted an incident where he purposely hurt a dog which was barking at him.

I was appalled and, to be honest, I don’t want to spend any time in the same room as him. He passed his hatred of dogs on to my husband and this has caused friction within our marriage.

As a child, my dogs filled my life with the greatest joy and unconditional love. Not being able to have a dog has been a source of real sadness because I yearn for my children to experience that love, too.

Now my husband has realised how important this is to me and we are just about to get a puppy! There is mounting excitement and happy dog chatter in our household. But my fatherin-law is about to visit and I know he will try to talk my husband out of it.

He has done this before. I resent this meddling in our family life and I am nervous that he may not even be kind to our little pet. How can I overcome my feelings of dread? How do I handle a new puppy and a grandfather who hates dogs?

ELSA

WHENEVER I write about dogs in this column I get an angry email from a man called G who is a real dog-hater, too. (honestly, I wish he’d go and bury his bone…).

Obviously people are entitled to their feelings and opinions, and plenty of people hate those beautiful bird-killers, cats. But why not try to understand why so many people are devoted to their animal companions — who can, after all, save lives?

Since you admit your husband also hates dogs I must express concern about the decision to get a puppy. There are so many rescue dogs (often house-trained) needing homes that I really do wish people would think of this instead of buying a puppy. Wee (and worse) on carpets is not likely to encourage your husband to change his mind.

Also, make very sure you keep all shoes out of the way of those tiny teeth.

And I hope you are at home all day to train the pup or family harmony could be damaged and that would be unfair on the animal.

You ask ‘how do I handle a new puppy’ — and if by now the pup has arrived I urge you to take training seriously and devote as much time as possible to the important task. It will be down to you!

But I hope you make it clear to your husband that now you have decided as a family to get a dog, that animal requires his tolerance — and he must request the same quality from his father

It will be essential to keep distance between the new pet and the grandfather for now — and if that means being sure the little one is securely ‘caged’ during the visit (apart from walks and training times, of course), then so be it. You may not be fond of your father-inlaw, yet he has his place within the family and that is something you must continue to live with, because there is no choice.

You need to be busy and efficient while he visits, keep the pup well away from him, and prime your daughters to let him know just how happy the new addition to the family has made them. You can’t soft-soap him but the girls can.

Plenty of people have in-laws who drive them mad, but that’s family life — so your only choice is to find your own strategies for dealing with your feelings about him and making sure your husband’s loyalty is, first and foremost, to you. And to your children. And to the latest family member, too.