My daughter is trapped by kindness
DEAR BEL,
CAN you please help us with a dilemma we are facing? I am proud of my two lovely, kind and compassionate daughters, but I am worried that the trait of kindness can be in danger of backfiring. At least for one of them. Let’s call her Cathy.
Her husband left and she did an amazing job bringing up two children singlehandedly, a boy and a girl, while holding down a job at the same time. Two years ago she meet a lovely, quiet chap, but unfortunately he has more than one physical ‘problem’ — generalised illhealth, lots of issues, seemingly getting worse.
In the beginning it didn’t seem to matter, but when he lost his driving licence it did. Most weekends he spends at her place, bringing his laundry, enjoying her cooking — without offering any practical or financial help.
Now he has become so dependent on Cathy, it’s like her having another child, and her health is beginning to suffer. Once she mentioned to us that she would like the relationship to end. He got wind of this and had a bad turn, ending up in hospital.
I don’t know the details. But she was worried sick and is now too afraid to mention the topic again, in case of a possible reaction like that.
We all feel sorry for him, but on the other hand, this situation cannot go on either. We know he has some family, but is not in touch with them.
So now . . . well, we worry about our daughter and ask ourselves whether she is too kind. Can one be too kind? What do you think? ALAN
TheRe are those who believe that compassion is endless — or rather should be. The notion is appealing, isn’t it, rather like ‘unconditional love’? To me, both those idealistic thoughts represent a hope which is often hard to fulfil in real life.
Some good souls do practise endless kindness and turn the other cheek when people do them wrong. Those same forgiving people seem capable of love without end, no matter what wickedness has been done.
Yet most of us don’t see ourselves as saints, and (whether aware of it or not) do set limits on kindness and on love.
You can grow weary of making excuses/ allowances for people, even those we care deeply about. even a devoted parent can be pushed into hatred when an offspring exceeds boundaries of behaviour and becomes intolerable.
When you feel the limit has been reached, it can feel like a bereavement. But people do say, ‘I’ve had enough’ — and mean it, cutting toxic or exploitative people out of their lives.
All that is to say that yes, people can indeed be ‘too kind’ and allow themselves to be used by those who profess love, yet are too needy, too draining, too selfish to understand that the process of giving should go two ways. Indeed it must — that is, in a mature relationship between equals.
I can see why you are worried about your daughter becoming trapped in a relationship which requires an inordinate amount of giving and caring on her side. Many people shift into the role of ‘carer’ without it being a problem, especially at the end of a long (and good) marriage.
Yet we must be honest here: it can be a problem, leading to resentment as well as exhaustion in the carer. It sounds as if Cathy may have reached that point.
What’s more, there’s a real danger that her natural kindness will be taken advantage of, as her boyfriend practises the worst kind of emotional blackmail. It could be said that she is an adult able to make her own choices. But is that true?
For a start, she has two children (even if they are older) to consider, and they should have first call on her time and energy. Then you mention that the situation is affecting her health, which cannot be allowed to continue.
I am convinced this couple needs to attend face-to-face counselling sessions (see relate.org.uk) to enable her to express how she feels in a neutral space with somebody present to mediate. It would be terrible for your daughter to find herself trapped in a relationship that distorts her natural kindness into eventual dislike — and becomes cruelty to herself.