Husband’s affair threatens my health

This letter came a while ago and i am hoping you have managed to process that distressing health blow with the courage and determination you displayed two years ago. The fact that you were so acutely, sympathetically aware of your husband’s feelings says much about the strength of your love and the extraordinary level of forgiveness you managed to achieve, before this unpleasant result tested you again.

Your email displays an unusual level of understanding — that is, when you reflect on the fact that the affair may have been caused ( even if only partially) by your post- natal depression. i admire your wisdom and generosity more than i can say.

The majority of readers will probably agree with your family and friends about his behaviour, deeming it unforgivable. These days, i find people quicker than ever to make judgments. But i agree that there will always be a limit to forgiveness, no matter how desirable (in the abstract) it seems.

Those who love the one- sinnedagainst usually fear that the sinner will repeat his/her selfish, cruel and destructive behaviour.

That is why, to protect you, they were all so against reconciliation. i understand that, even if i don’t entirely agree.

The presence of children always shifts the argument. since your husband inflicted a terrible crisis on your marriage you have had another child, so you and he must have done some serious talking.

You tell me (in your original letter) that you were both ‘in a good place’ until this new bombshell, and that’s all the more reason to feel anguished that you have been reminded again of the physical reality of infidelity.

some people (and i am one) know that a marriage can survive infidelity, even if it can never be forgotten. But to many others the thought of a partner having sex with somebody else is intolerable.

There are no rules, no norms. That is why it is spurious for outsiders to offer advice (‘Kick him out!’ — ‘Don’t take her back!’), yes, even if it is asked for.

You asked me for ‘ neutral’ words rather than advice. so i’ll just say i hope you and your still- beloved husband try couples counselling and that you employ all your reserves of strength to pick your way through this horrible, upsetting situation and move forward (with him chastened, i hope) into a future full of family love and fun.