I feel so hurt by my son’s ‘neglect’

DEAR BEL,

RATHER late in life, when I was 41, my husband and I had a son, who is now 28.

I didn’t want him to be mollycoddled and have always encouraged him to be independent.

He had a good education and went to university, where he worked hard and gained a good degree. Now, after five years of working, he has a very good job and we are pleased for him.

In his second year at university, he met a lovely girl and we realised immediately that they were well matched, so we always included her in our life, as her parents included him in theirs.

Eighteen months ago, after saving hard (and with help from both sets of parents), they managed to buy a lovely flat in Leeds.

But, over this time, it has become more obvious that their lives revolve around her family and we are starting to feel marginalised. Even though I accept this often happens, I can’t help but feel dreadfully hurt.

We have only been invited to their flat three times, but they do visit us for a long weekends on special occasions, birthdays, etc.

We always welcome them both with open arms and are so pleased to have them with us.

We know that they are with her family much more often. I just wish we were more involved, too.

I do realise this sounds rather childish and petty, but it is affecting me and although it doesn’t impact my husband as much as me, he is concerned about this feeling of being side-lined.

I just don’t know how to handle it — I certainly don’t want to cause any upset or worse, but what can we do?

MAGGIE

LAST week I published a letter from a mother angry and hurt at her son’s perceived lack of attention, and now here you are feeling ‘sidelined’ by your own precious boy. Many mothers will recognise the feelings — almost as if the nagging sense of loss when a child slips away is hardwired into the maternal psyche.

Naturally, there are others good at letting go. Indeed, sometimes, when Ma and Pa are on their world cruise leaving the family (including grandchildren) behind, their adult children might wish for more parental attention — especially perhaps in the form of babysitting.

Every family has its very own signature tune, although all the notes and chords will be familiar.

Here we are, Maggie, with you pretty well at the beginning of a long (God willing) rest-of-life journey with your son. How you deal with this problem, how you choose to analyse your own feelings, will affect the rest of your family life. That’s why I am glad you wrote.

First, let’s celebrate the safe arrival of that baby boy when you were 41, the sensible upbringing you and your husband gave him and the success he has made of his life so far, including meeting Ms Right.

No one can know what the future might hold — and things could go wrong for him — but the love and stability you provided remain the foundation on which he can build and re-build his future. I ask you to cherish that knowledge. But, you know what I am going to say. Your son’s life is now his own, shared with his partner, and the wise parent must step back.

It would be interesting to know whether his girlfriend’s parents live nearer to the couple than you do, because that convenience would explain much. But even if it’s not the case, men tend to be drawn into their partner’s families — more than the other way around.

If you were to confess your hurt feelings to your son, he would almost certainly be amazed, because they enjoy lovely, long visits with you and you’ve been to their flat three times in 18 months.

You think the other parents have seen them more often, but who is counting? How can you know? In the absence of grandchildren, what exactly are they ‘involved’ with?

Honestly, I suspect you are projecting when you say your husband ‘is concerned about this feeling of being side-lined’. He is probably just worried about you working yourself up into a state of unnecessary ‘hurt’ about nothing — a mood which, if it continues, could lead to problems ahead.

Stay in touch with your son and his lovely partner as much as you can, without crowding them. Enjoy their visits to you and make them fun. Suggest a two-family lunch at theirs at a suitable time (the twoyear anniversary of their flat?) so you can make merry with her parents, too.

Above all, relax. Please.