Is it just ME

Or do you hate houses that are show homes?

ARE you kind, hardworking, presentable, honest, solvent and fun to know?

Sorry: that all counts for nothing if you are shamed for having the wrong-sized rugs, spurned for your velvet chairs and ridiculed for failing to ‘update your ambience’ by replacing a functional light fitting with a more stylish one.

The interiors-snobbery police are after you, and they have no mercy. They’re descended directly from Hyacinth Bucket, although they would be hurt to hear you say so.

They are invigorated by a dash of Soho House trendiness and terrified that Nicky Haslam might think they’re common. And the rules have changed: the new lot might applaud a set of flying ducks as retro, and positively recommend mismatched crockery but only if it’s done ‘ironically’.

Ideally, this should be placed alongside something

The interior snobbery police are after you. They have no mercy!

unspeakably expensive from Lulu Lytle, whose gold wallpaper and explosive granny-chintz seduced the Prime Minister’s wife into a makeover of Theresa May’s Downing Street ‘John Lewis nightmare’.

The poisonous idea is that your home should be ‘curated’ as part of your personal brand, rather than being somewhere to live.

Bright walls betray you ( they should see our bedroom!) as does children’s artwork on the walls. Apparently that ban applies even in the kitchen, which surely should be a safe haven from the opinions of outsiders, especially ones who want fancy disguises over radiators or are triggered by the gleam of a washing machine.

To hell with this fashionable exhortation to fancify your home as well as your body. Your home is your den, your hideaway, your safe place: not a gilded frame or a giveaway.