When crowds stop roaring the silence can be deafening

BRIAN O’DRISCOLL reveals the torment of coming to terms with retirement in a new documentary

BRIAN O’DRISCOLL overcame some fearsome opposition during his rugby playing career. But after 15 years of highs, triumphs and trophies, the wellloved Irishman found retirement — and the mental struggles that came with it — the toughest challenge of his life.

so much so that he has made a candid documentary about mental health and retired sportsmen.

‘My worst fears were that I’d never find anything to live up to the satisfaction levels I’d had,’ O’Driscoll tells Sportsmail.

‘ I wanted to examine the aftermath and rediscovery of yourself after you finish playing. I was worried life had literally peaked. It was worrying that my best days were behind me.

‘It’s very hard when you’ve had as many highs as I had, to then find something to mimic it. To even get close is a real challenge. When you’re right at the top you don’t think to look down but from heights like those, there really is only one way to go.

‘Retirement is something every athlete has to deal with, but when the crowd stops roaring the silence can be deafening.’

O’Driscoll (right) called time on his career in 2014 after, in fitting fashion, winning the six Nations with his beloved Ireland, for whom he was capped 133 times.

A happily-married family man O’Driscoll, 43, enjoys life now. He is a respected pundit and runs a production company, 3 Rock, who made this documentary with BT sport. But trying to find the same level of satisfaction he found starring for his country, or playing for leinster, has been illusive.

His friend Barry Twomey took his own life in 2008 and his death had a lasting effect. The film was a very personal journey for O’Driscoll.

‘It’s been about trying to find satisfaction in the next realm of life, whatever that may entail,’ he said. ‘I was nervous what was next having seen friends struggle out the other end and not really finding their feet.

‘I had 15 incredible years as an international, but when it all ended I was confronted with one of the most testing challenges I’d ever faced — life after sport.

‘From the outside my retirement may have looked easy, but I had my struggles.

‘In 21st century UK and Ireland the largest killer of men under-50 is suicide. There’s a crisis in men’s mental health. And for ex-sportsmen there’s a real stigma attached to showing vulnerability.

‘ It’s not acceptable having mediocrity. Mediocre, I don’t ever want to be mediocre at anything.

‘I let myself go for a couple of years after I retired. We went away on a family holiday and mum put together an album, but I opened it up and I was appalled at what I saw.

‘ I’d lost my ambition to train and seeing those pictures was a real catalyst for me to get to back on track.’

O’Driscoll’s friend, champion jockey AP Mccoy, England boss

Gareth southgate, former Australia rugby union coach Michael cheika, Team GB Olympic boxer turned wrestler Anthony Ogogo and England international cricketer Jonny Bairstow all appear in the film.

Mccoy, 48, who retired in 2015 with a record 4,358 winners, found it hard to come to terms with the fact that his best days were behind him.

‘I miss the routine, the discipline and the structure but, most of all, I miss winning,’ he admitted. ‘And in a strange kind of way I miss torture and pain.

‘I knew when I’d won 15 Jockey’s championships I was nearly 36 and I thought then I’ve got five more years.

‘I’ll never be glad I retired, but I know it was the right thing to do. But I’m so stupid, I could probably still go out and do it.

‘I do believe in sport you have to have that mentality and, inwardly, there has to be an egotistical element to every sportsperson to believe they can do it.

‘I’m a firm believer a sportsman is the only person who dies twice. It’s like a different life, it’s like everything is taken away and you have to start again.

‘There’s nothing like going out on the big stage and needing to perform. You could be (Amazon chairman) Jeff Bezos and have everything in the world, but it’s not the same feeling.

‘I miss the high and the low of that, I miss the risk. I miss never being satisfied.

‘In my own head I was the most insecure person for 20 years. I used to sit in a dark room on a saturday night, looking out of the window at the stars. I used to think to myself, “You’re s*** and you’ll never be good again”.

‘But even after I’d been c***, I’d get up the following morning and that feeling would be gone. I’d promise myself I was going to be good.

‘I know I lived the dream, but I know you can’t always be satisfied because someone always beats you.’

England football manager southgate has turned retirement into great success, especially after his woes as a player for his country.

‘My journey was unusual because I became a manager at 32 at Middlesbrough, but retirement hit me three years later after I lost the job,’ he admitted.

‘I had no purpose and you need that in your life. It left me feeling unfulfilled.

‘I’d had a good career, but by the time I got to 33 I was angry and wanted a new challenge. I’ve been blessed with opportunity and not everybody gets that.’

O’Driscoll hopes his new film helps sportsmen and sportswomen to be brave and not scared of talking about their struggles.

‘It’s so important to talk and keep talking, never be scared to put your hand up and say you need help,’ he added.

l After The Roar, the latest in the BT Sport Films series, will premiere on Friday, September 23, at 10pm on BT Sport 1.