Help! My needy in-laws want to move closer to us

DEAR BEL,

MY MOTHER and father-in-law are very intense and can be quite overbearing. Three years ago, my husband took a new job that meant us relocating three hours away from his family. One reason was for us to get a bit of independence from them.

We are happier here and we get on much better with his parents now that we do not see them as often.

But during their last visit my fatherin-law said they are house hunting and want to move to be closer to us. My husband and I are unhappy at this news, but we do not have the heart to tell them.

How do we gently put them off moving closer? We still see them regularly (usually a long weekend every other month and sometimes more), but when we lived nearby they would call unannounced and did not (and still do not) respect boundaries. Any advice?

NORA

When two people seek more independence from two other people who want to become more dependent, then the stage is set for such a clash of desires.

I’m not sure how effective the gentleness you mention can possibly be. I’m sorry if that seems like a negative start, but I must be honest. And so, in the end, must you . . . unless you choose a path of pragmatic dishonesty.

I realise how hard the situation is, but what choice do you have? Unless you are frank with your husband’s parents or pick away through the conflicting desires, the answer is surely: ‘none.’

Let’s pause for a moment and share sympathy for your in-laws. Their desires are understandable. I suspect they are thinking that as they grow old they would like to be near the son they love.

There is nothing unreasonable about that human wish, although its effects on your life might turn out to be unreasonable in the extreme. If, in fact, there is a large, extended family where they live now, then their wish to move near you becomes possibly more selfish.

You and your husband are being honest in feeling you will be driven mad by their proximity and increasing demands. So what can you do?

Obviously, not tell them the painful truth, but perhaps rely on the kind of half-truth which segues into an outright lie. I would never advise being blunt and unkind.

But if I were your husband I might invent a series of putative job prospects which may well require him to move again, and again.

You could also start complaining about where you live and say that as far as you are concerned you don’t mind moving on.

If you read my column from two weeks ago, you will know from Alexandra’s painful letter about her difficult parents that it is hard to set boundaries as people grow older. I would perhaps promise your in-laws you will increase your visits back home.