The Wood Life: Shearer, Sheeran & hating beer!
IN Mark Wood’s new book, the England fast bowler opens up on life inside (and outside) the rope. Here are some exclusive extracts…
BAULKING AT A BEER
mY FINaL beer came when we won the 2019 World Cup. Not by choice,
mind. For the whole build-up to the final, Stokesy was on at me. even on the morning of the game.
‘If we win, you have to have a beer!’ I kept telling him, ‘Ner, man’, but he wouldn’t listen. He’s not an easy man to say no to and this was not something I was going to budge on, so we went around and around. In the end, I was sick of him going on, so I agreed.
didn’t let me forget, did he? that night, we’re all in the changing room and Stokesy collars me, hands me a beer and says, ‘Right — see that off’. even the smell. God — how can you? any of you? It’s vile. But given we wouldn’t be there celebrating a historic win without him, I suppose I can do it for him.
I nursed it for three hours, so it was 30ºC when I finished it. Proud, and a bit sick, I went to Stokesy and said, ‘there you go,’ handing him the empty bottle. Of course, he had no clue what I was on about — he was a few sheets to the wind at this point. Understandably so.
RUBBING IT IN TO RIVALS
I’d LIKe to say most victories are celebrated gracefully. But there are times when you’ve beaten a rival and want to rub it in. and that’s OK in my book.
Before the 2015 ashes, there was this video doing the rounds of Shane Watson and Steve Smith speaking in australia. ‘We’ve got all departments covered,’ they said. ‘I don’t even think they’ll come close to us, to be honest.’
Well, we did stand a chance, as it turned out, winning the urn back in the fourth test at trent Bridge. I ended up castling Nathan Lyon for the final wicket — quite a moment to cap my first summer as an england player.
there was a speaker system in the dressing room, which we could all plug our phones into. throughout the afternoon (and night), someone would cue up that video of Watson and Smith saying what they said, then someone else would follow it with the clip of Zach Galifianakis doing a wheezing laugh from his film dinner for Schmucks. We must have played that 150 times that night. I can still hear it now: ‘I don’t even think they’ll come close to us.’ Beautiful.
WANNABE FOOTBALLERS
WHeN the batter drops the ball around the wicket and goes for a quick run, the best way to get the ball on to the stumps for a run-out when you’re a bowler in your follow-through is to kick it. Given most cricketers fancy themselves as footballers, it’s a common sight.
I can’t tell you why, or when it started, but whenever I’m in that position, I yell out the name of a famous Newcastle United footballer. Sometimes it’s ‘Shearer!’, ‘asprilla!’ or ‘Ketsbaia!’ (the Georgian striker who is best known for kicking seven shades out of an advertising hoarding after he scored a last- minute winner against Bolton in 1998). If I get one on my left foot it’s ‘Ginola!’
I should say, I am not a Newcastle fan — I support aFC Wimbledon because blue is my favourite colour and when I got a Premier League sticker book when I was younger, I realized my dad looked like their keeper Hans Segers.
THE WASHING MACHINE
a LOt of us remember where we were during that miraculous 2019 World Cup final chase. around 30,000 people were at the ground, chewing their fingernails. millions more were doing the same at home. many of you would have been crowded around a tV or radio at your cricket club or found an Irish pub on holiday. But for an hour of england’s first 50-over World Cup final in 25 years, as Ben Stokes and Jos Buttler were rebuilding with a 110-run partnership for what would be the most dramatic win in english cricket history, I was sat on a washing machine.
‘are you... going to move?’ asks the dressing-room attendant who was just trying to do his job and wash the towels to ensure we had a fresh supply.
‘I can’t, mate.’
‘But... I’ve got to chuck these in and get them dry by the end of the day,’ he says, carrying a big basket of laundry.
‘You don’t understand, mate. I’ve got to stay here. We’re winning.’
‘Can I at least switch it on while you’re sat on it?’
‘Go for it. Honestly, mate — if I move now and one of these two get out, it’ll be all on me.’
On it goes, whirring and jumping while I’m on top, trying to pull myself together.
So here are two of the best whiteball batters in the world out there turning around a final, and I’m bobbing up and down on a machine that this lad has set to ‘fast spin wash’. the attendant ended up staying, as did another, and their chat helped calm my nerves as the runs were picking up. But I couldn’t offer anything — the vibrations meant I was talking l-i-k-e t-h-i-s t-h-e w-h-o-l-e ti-m- e. ‘S-H- O-t S-t- O-K-e-S-Y!’ ‘C-O-m-e O-N J-O-O-O-O-O-S!’
RUSH OF BOWLING FAST
BOWLING fast changes everything around you. Batters have less time to react and are more prone to playing at balls they shouldn’t. You’ve also got that fear factor. You can hurt people, which isn’t a great thing to be proud of, but it comes into the equation with short-pitch bowling, where you can target the body for dismissals. that upsets rhythm and knocks them out of their comfort zone.
In the last ashes test of the 2021-22 series, I got Usman Khawaja out with a bouncer that almost took his head off. that night, I got back to the hotel and shared a lift with Justin Langer, the australia coach. He smiled at me and said, ‘Woah, that bouncer was a brute.’
When you’re in the zone, there’s nothing like it. You can’t feel the grass beneath your feet. Your legs feel light. You don’t even feel like you’re sprinting. all you can feel is that build-up, build-up... and then WHOOSH! that release.
ED SHEERAN HAS MY BAT
We WeRe in New Zealand and danny Reuben, the media manager, comes into the changing room in a panic. ‘ed Sheeran wants a bat!’
He was in New Zealand on tour and he wanted a bit of memorabilia as he’s a cricket fan. anyway, danny has come up to us and asked us for one because he knows a batter won’t give one up easily, even to a world-famous musician. So I said: ‘Fine, he can have this bat. But I want a guitar in return. Swapsies.’ danny was: ‘No problem.’ did I get it? No! I’ve given up this bat which hit mitchell Johnson for six and got nothing in return. that bat should have been mounted on a wall. and instead it’s probably being used to knock around apples and oranges on Sheeran’s tour bus. I’ll never forgive danny for that.
ILLUSTRIOUS OPPONENTS
SOmeONe like Virat Kohli makes you feel like you’re in a fight. He’s in your face, even when he’s not saying anything. He’s got a confrontational style. each boundary feels like a punch to your gut and the onus is on you to shake it off.
at the other end of the spectrum is New Zealand’s Kane Williamson. He’s one of the nicest blokes you’ll ever meet but he is infuriating in every other way. It feels like he’s batting with a barn door. He seems to hit every ball out of the middle. But worst of all, he makes you think you’re bowling much slower because it’s so easy for him.
Steve Smith’s like that. I’ve got him out a few times but you can always count on him to hurt us. He’s so awkward to bowl at, because pace never seems to affect him. You need to get everything
right. You spend weeks preparing for this one delivery to get him out. It’s pretty draining.
One batter who gives me nightmares is Rohit Sharma. His bat is wider, thicker and springier than everyone else’s. He’s got all the classical shots and can hit sixes with ease. It’s annoying that he’s so good to watch. I’ll be going through the highlights and thinking, ‘ah, what a shot’ and then realise it’s against me.
extracted from the Wood Life by Mark Wood, published by allen & Unwin at £20. © Mark Wood 2022. to order a copy for £18 (offer valid to 01/10/22; UK P&P free on orders over £20), visit www.mailshop.co.uk/ books or call 020 3176 2937.