My lovely son watches nasty videos

DEAR BEL,

I’M SAD after an argument with my teenage son.

He and I are very close. I brought him up alone and he’s kind, considerate and helpful. At 19, at university, he’s starting to explore all that life can offer.

Last night, he showed me some videos he was watching online. The first showed a man sitting at a cafe when the wheel of a passing car came loose and mounted the pavement, hitting the man with such force it knocked him right out of the picture.

My reaction was one of horror. Was he seriously hurt? Did he die? My son’s reaction was to shrug: ‘Dunno.’

The second showed two young men facing each other. One took a run at the other and knocked him flat out on the ground with a dropkick to the head. It looked like one of those ‘dare’ videos.

Again, I was absolutely horrified. My son’s reaction was to laugh: ‘Aren’t they idiots?’

I explained why I felt disturbed by his reaction to this as entertainment. He protested he was not supporting such content, since the creators did not get paid for it and his viewing did not increase total clicks. I said that wasn’t the point; such videos are nasty and damaging.

His response was that it was nothing to do with him and ‘morality is subjective’.

I tried to explain the impact of aggression and violence, but he reacted like I was being an emotional idiot.

The conversation descended into a debate which went nowhere and didn’t end well.

I don’t expect my son to adopt all my values — which I know I can’t impose. But I feel upset at his apparent lack of empathy for those hurt in these videos and his lack of understanding of why it’s wrong. Surely some things are moral truths?

Am I upset because he was defiant in the face of reason? I fear his lack of insight and empathy — and arrogance — will make him vulnerable to the hurts of the world. How to protect him? Am I overreacting? Am I the only parent who feels like this?

THINKING your children exist on another planet is quite normal. Even when they enter their 40s you can find yourself becoming rather testy because they don’t agree with you, when you know yours is the voice of reason!

Of course, if you’re wise, you’ll keep silent. But with a teenager? Maybe not. The trouble is, the kids are bound to think their parents are fogeys, just as we thought our own needed educating. Isn’t that the way the family wheel turns?

You feel upset because this young man you love so much — and praise to the heavens — is laughing callously at videos in which people must clearly be hurt.

That I can understand. Even the ‘ normal’ online world is full of appalling behaviour. One of my Facebook friends recently shared the fact that she’d had a foolish accident in a car park, which upset her greatly as she was alone. nobody around came to help because they were all busily filming her distress. Isn’t that just horrible?

When people behave in that way, the rest of us are right to express acute dislike and to judge their callousness. When your beloved son expresses indifference to people filmed being hurt, he displays an insensitivity common in his generation. It’s because people become desensitised to pain that online pornography has become so violent and utterly disgusting.

I am not suggesting he watches that kind of thing (though it’s likely, I’m afraid), but that it’s part of a continuum and bound to distress me and you.

You pose a vital question when you write, ‘Surely some things are moral truths?’ Of course the answer is ‘Yes’ — because without that assent we lose hope of living in a civilised society.

The Ten Commandments in the Old Testament and the Sermon on the Mount in the new both seek to codify human behaviour; rules in other religions as well as tribal taboos in many cultures are ways of ensuring social harmony.

I believe you were quite right to point out to your son values he might never have associated with online behaviour. Even if he rejects your views now, he may later reflect on your words and wonder whether you’re right.

It’s quite odd that you worry about protecting him when surely he’s able to look after himself? These days, in a very tough world, it’s essential to grow a thick(ish) skin to be able to cope with life. So keep all lines of communication open, let him learn in his own way and don’t worry so much.

You’ve already given him a good grounding for life by being the strong mother who brought him up and now feels proud of him. One day he might cringe when he remembers things he said and did — just like we all do.