Should I talk to my teen about his ‘fumblings’?

DEAR BEL,

A FEW incidents have occurred during the past year which are causing me to wonder about my 15-year-old son’s sexual orientation.

On one occasion I walked into the room and found him and a friend ‘messing’ with each other on the couch. Both jumped up when I came in and they were embarrassed.

Another time, in July, I came back early and found him and another lad sunbathing naked on the patio.

Then, two weeks ago, he and one of his friends came back to the house to play video games. I waited for an hour then went up to his room and opened the door without warning to ask them if they wanted me to drive down for a takeaway.

They were engaged in sexual activity on the bed. What is the best way to deal with this? I need advice please. THERESA

THIS is obviously worrying you a lot and I can understand why. All parents feel protective and it’s likely that you fear a less happy future for your son if, indeed, he is gay — as distinct from just experimenting sexually, as teenagers often do.

At 15 he is still discovering so much about himself and his friends, and you should perhaps remember that erotic ‘messing’ about was once a rite of passage for boys packed off by their parents to English public schools.

Some remained homosexual when they became adults; the others went on to live rampantly heterosexual lives.

You cite three instances which must have been excruciatingly embarrassing for him, as they were very awkward for you. It sounds as if you’ve reached the time to have a kind, frank talk with your son about these issues.

It won’t be easy, because teens can be hard to talk to at the best of times.

But subconsciously your son might be longing for you to know who he really is, otherwise why leave himself so open to discovery at home?

Whatever their sexuality, teenagers have an acute need to be understood, even if they seem to ward you off with a grunt, and talking about anything to do with sex is likely to make them clam up.

Nevertheless, parenting takes patience, perseverance and persuasion, and it’s vital he knows you’re there to listen.

You could start by saying that you’re really sorry for bursting into his room.

You’re probably thinking you have a right to go anywhere you like in your own home, but it’s only polite to a young person to knock first.

Let him know that’s what you think and assure him you respect his privacy. Then you could ask, gently and in a matteroffact way, whether he has feelings for the friend he was with.

It is very important to stay calm and not hassle him with a lot of questions, yet make it clear by nodding that you are ready to listen to him.

Don’t say, ‘Do you think you might be gay?’ but wait for him to tell you. Coming out to a parent is a very big thing, and even if he is convinced he is gay he still may not be ready to share that with you.

But at least he will know he has your support — and that you are ready to listen with an open mind when he wants to talk.

I suspect you are anxious about what people will think if your son does come out as gay.

Perhaps you live in a community (possibly rural, or religious?) which is less than tolerant.

If that is the case he will need twice as much support, and somehow you need to let him know for certain that whatever happens, his mum is on his side.

As I said, parenting a teenager is rarely easy, and the ‘problem’ you outline is just one of many — a wide variety — faced by many parents.

By whatever means possible, let your son know you will always be ready to understand and help.

Say that if ever he wants to talk to an outside expert you will help to arrange it, but don’t bombard him with unnecessary suggestions now.

Above all, make sure he knows that his happiness is your chief priority and that he is loved.