My very irreverent predictions for 2023 ( )
And oh, how I’d love some to come true!
DMITRY MEDvEDEv, the former Russian president and dutiful crony of vladimir Putin, has been having some fun with predictions for the coming year. Last week, he issued a series of them, in English, on Twitter, gaining no fewer than 38 million views.
The man who is now deputy chairman of Russia’s Security Council introduced them by saying that, as people liked to make forecasts at this time of the year — ‘even the most absurd ones’ — he offered what he called his ‘humble contribution’.
These included: ‘ War will break out between France and the Fourth Reich, Europe will be divided, Poland repartitioned in the process’, and ‘Civil war will break out in the U.S., California and Texas becoming independent states as a result. Texas and Mexico will form an allied state. Elon Musk’ll win the presidential election in a number of states.’
It ended, balefully: ‘Seasons greetings to you, Anglo- Saxon friends, and their happily oinking piglets.’
In the real world, the only country starting wars in Europe is Russia, but this did not stop the new owner of Twitter, Elon Musk, perhaps flattered by the mention, speedily replying to Medvedev: ‘Epic thread!!’
Although the next day, perhaps after he had been spoken to by some grown-ups, Musk added: ‘ Those are definitely the most absurd predictions I’ve ever heard.’
Well, that was rather the point. And it has encouraged me to offer my own contribution — in similar satirical spirit, minus the Russian bloodthirstiness.
JANUARY: Harry and Meghan release a Netflix documentary complaining that the residents of California haven’t been welcoming enough. They describe Oprah as ‘ cold, haughty and patronising’. FEBRUARY: The RMT leader, Mick Lynch, has a fall while on a picket line, but ambulance workers are on strike that day, so he has to wait 24 hours until they can take him to A&E. MARCH: The Bluebell Railway wins all the franchises to run the UK’s train services. APRIL: The former chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, starts a website offering investment tips and advice. It is a huge success: millions subscribe so they can know what shares and other financial products they should definitely avoid. MAY: Amazon is bought by Elon Musk. He sacks all the staff and says the company will no longer be delivering products to people’s homes. JUNE: A bitter conflict breaks out between rival climatechange protest groups, leading to Extinction Rebellion gluing themselves to Insulate Britain. JULY: David Beckham writes to Sir Hugh Robertson, chairman of the sports honours committee, claiming that by going down on one knee before each game, the English footballers are hinting that they’d like a knighthood. Beckham complains that he’s been asking for one for much longer.
AUGUST: President Joe Biden says he won’t stand for reelection — he wants to make space for someone with more vitality. The former president, Jimmy Carter, age 98, secures the Democrat nomination. SEPTEMBER: Michelle Mone appoints Donald Trump her personal tax consultant: the bra-selling multi-millionairess and Tory peer says she needs all the support she can get. OCTOBER: In a freak accident, President Putin is killed when a huge table collapses on him. NOVEMBER: Liz Truss wins I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!, spending longer in the jungle than she did in 10 Downing Street. Emulating Matt Hancock, Prince Andrew is the runner-up: he is promoting his own memoir, Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff. DECEMBER: The Royal Mail has been on strike for 365 days, but no one notices.