I thought I was bulletproof but my brain was getting damaged every week
All Blacks legend CARL HAYMAN reveals his regret at not retiring sooner as he deals with dementia diagnosis aged 43
JUST yards away from his seaside home in Port taranaki sits Carl Hayman’s pride and joy. ‘this is a Bridlington lifeboat,’ the great former All Black tells Sportsmail. ‘We’re renovating her to try to get her back on the water. With my early- onset dementia, I find it therapeutic to work with my hands. the boat is 70 years old this year. she’s an iconic old vessel, but she will probably outlast me.’
Wearing a pair of staple New Zealand gumboots, Hayman fits right in on the New Plymouth seafront as he shows off the Bridlington’s historic features. But it was rugby boots in which he made his name, winning 45 All Blacks caps as a powerful prop. He retired in 2015 and life today couldn’t be more different for the 43-year-old.
In 2021, Hayman was told he had early- onset dementia and probable chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CtE), a harrowing blow to him and his partner Kiko Matthews, with whom he has a young daughter. He joined a list of hundreds of former players in receiving the diagnosis.
Hayman has battled alcohol abuse and suicidal thoughts and received a suspended prison sentence in France after admitting to charges of domestic violence. In October, he was convicted of drink-driving after being caught behind the wheel more than four times over the limit. His diagnosis helps to explain some of those incidents.
In 2020, Hayman and Kiko took over Chaddy’s Charters, an iconic New Plymouth boat charter business, with ambitious plans for the future.
‘We live in the present,’ Hayman says. ‘the scary thing is if I look back on the last couple of years, I can feel the dementia getting a grip and affecting me more and more. We just don’t know what the future is going to look like so we try to stay in the now and not worry too much.’
Hayman was part of a toulon team who won three European titles. He also had a lucrative stint in the Premiership with Newcastle, but the impact of his career has been startling.
‘It’s a whole shooting box of things,’ says Hayman, when asked to describe the daily issues he faces. ‘It’s sleep deprivation and constant headaches. We realised something was wrong in the first summer we took over here.
‘I get short-term memory loss. I’ll go into the kitchen and not know why. I drive places, go straight past the turn- off, and then have to retrace my steps. teps. Anxiety and depression have been other problems. s. I’m struggling with mental illness ess and unable to stay focused on tasks. It’s a big list. Once, a successful f l day was doing X, Y and Z. Now, it’s maybe just doing X. sometimes, I get to the end of the day and I’m absolutely shattered and have to go to bed at seven.
‘Our success is measured by how many episodes of Suits we can watch in an evening. It affects my self-esteem and confidence. If I overdo it, I crash and Kiko will bear the brunt of it. sometimes I come off to the boat and my kids go, “Daddy’s gone off to Daddyland”. I sit in my chair and just stare out of the window. I’m there, but I’m not there. It’s really sad.’
In 2019, before his diagnosis, Hayman was given a suspended prison sentence for domestic violence amid several other charges after an incident with a former partner when he lived in France. It was behaviour he does not excuse, but Hayman believes symptoms such as anger were early signs of illness.
‘When I look back now I understand what’s going on a bit more, there th are incidents i id t that th t weren’t ’t really me,’ he says. ‘At that time alcohol made things worse and with that incident, there was alcohol involved. But towards the end of my career, I lost the plot sober. I remember speaking in meetings and feeling teary just talking about simple rugby things.
‘My whole emotional state was starting to corrode. When you don’t know why, it’s difficult. When I overdo it now, I lose a bit of emotional regulation. I do my best to limit my drinking as much as I can but at certain times, it’s become really hard.’
Hayman’s brutal honesty is part of his eagerness to raise awareness of the issues he and other former players have. He suffered one big head knock during his career, but it was the smaller, repetitive blows which have taken their toll. He is part of the current legal action against World Rugby and wants to drive change in the game which gave him so much.
‘I did have some amazing experiences. I met the Queen and her corgis! the real highlight was the years at toulon,’ says Hayman. ‘In those five years, I got through about 150 games. that’s like one person’s whole career. It has obviously taken a toll.
‘When I was young, I thought I was bulletproof. the one thing getting damaged on a weekly basis was my brain. If I’d been more educated about the risks, I don’t think I’d have left New Zealand in 2007 and I’d have moved on with the next part of my life.’
No direct link between rugby and CtE and dementia has been confirmed. Awareness of head injuries has undoubtedly gone up a level and World Rugby have increased the mandatory standdown period for a player who suffers a concussion. But there is still far more that can be done.
‘It makes me angry,’ Hayman says. ‘stop kicking the can down the road and do something about this so the game can move on. Otherwise, this is going to keep rearing its head. the collateral effect of what this does to players and families isn’t good. Look at my own experience with my exwife and kids.
‘It’s been a rollercoaster. this is an opportunity for rugby to come up with a solution.’