My stepchildren still won’t accept me – after 20 years!

DEAR BEL,

ALTHOUGH my husband and I have been together for 20 years, his two daughters have never accepted me, and for the past six years have refused any contact with me.

They told untruths, made unfair allegations — despite us both offering olive branches on numerous occasions. But he will be celebrating his 80th birthday very soon and, much to our surprise, they have agreed to meet for lunch.

I have booked a restaurant that I feel will be suitable for us all, including three teenage boys.

However, as the time is drawing near, I am wondering if it would be wise for me to attend. I know my husband would desperately want me there, but in my heart of hearts I feel it would be more relaxing for everyone if I stay away. Eighteen months ago we attended his sister’s 80th birthday barbecue and I was totally ignored by them.

The situation this time would be even more awkward, as we will all be sitting around a table together for a few hours.

Part of me thinks I should just spend the day with my son or daughter and their families. Or should I go, hold my head high and act as though their cruel, unbelievable behaviour doesn’t bother me in the slightest?

Twenty years! I’m tempted to think there must be a reason buried back in those days, perhaps to do with their parents’ marriage, your meeting with their father, how the relationship developed . . . who knows?

well, of course, you do ... unless it’s the case that the two women simply dislike you for no reason at all. which can happen. But holding on to a particular grudge or generalised animosity after so long is pointless and sad — even if

very common (tragically so) within families.

since it is your husband’s 80th birthday and he ‘desperately wants’ you to be at the lunch, it seems you have two options. But neither of them means staying away as you propose.

Life is very short (I reach for that cliché all the time, with good reason) and your husband’s wishes matter more than anything else.

You will have told him how you feel, and I hope he has been encouraging. so the first option is indeed to ‘hold your head high’ and determine to make the lunch work. since there are teenagers there, the gathering is already diluted, which always helps.

Who suggested the lunch? If the thought came from you and your husband, it is very much your party, so take charge. the best option is to extend the gathering. How about inviting his sister too? other relatives? Your husband’s stepchildren — i.e. your own offspring?

But if that last one wouldn’t work, then does your husband have a male friend (or two) he has known most of his life? the more people there are around that lunch table, the less you have to interact with the two daughters who refuse to accept your presence in his life.