How can we help distant sister?

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND Ben and his sister Sophie had very different childhoods. Sophie was the favourite and, over the years, Ben had many plans cancelled so his parents could spend time with Sophie (and later, her husband and child). She was always expected to be successful, but Ben wasn’t.

We live on another continent now — with successful careers, our own home and three beautiful children. The only time the family visited — over ten years ago — we sensed a jealousy from Sophie and her husband, as Ben had achieved so much.

The last time we visited my parents-in-law, they spent more time with Sophie and her family (who live around the corner) than with us!

Since then, both parents have died and relations between the two siblings have been strained. Any contact is usually initiated by Ben. Sophie and her husband have one child and called us last spring to say they were expecting their second. Sadly, last month their child was stillborn.

Despite the strain and the distance, we are devastated for them, as we know how excited they were to be having another baby. My question is — how can we support them when we don’t live close enough to offer practical support?

Isn’t it true that such a sad loss puts all the other little annoyances into perspective? You sent a much longer letter as well as this edited version (thank you for that thoughtfulness), yet the more information about the family history I had, the less everything mattered in comparison with the current grief of two parents whose dream of cuddling their second baby is shattered.

they will be feeling desperately unhappy, bewildered — and, no doubt, missing the support of grandparents who lived so near. When your baby is stillborn you slowly realise the ache in your heart will never go away.

You can also feel angry and direct that anger at doctors, family, friends . . . to be honest, I wouldn’t be surprised if sophie’s envy of her brother is made worse by grief. As time passes she may resent the fact that you have three children, just as she and her husband seek for reasons for the stillbirth and ways to cope with their feelings about trying again. I only mention this so you may be forewarned. You live so far away that interaction is likely to lessen even more as years pass. It will depend on how strong and generous Ben is.

If they have a funeral for the baby, it would be good if Ben could attend, though it might not be possible for you all to go. What you can do is to make sure sophie and her husband are aware of the good work done by two charities, SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal Death society) and the Compassionate Friends (CF).

As founder-patron of the former, I can assure you of the brilliant work it does. And over the years many readers have written to me full of praise for CF.

Please make sure you study the websites of both charities, so you are equipped to suggest real support for sophie and her husband. But also make sure you write to them, full of deepest sympathy, because that really does matter.