Will the new Magic Mike film finally end the toyboy taboo?
...asks KAREN KRIZANOVICH who’s loved up with a man 25 years younger than herself
Ikissed him and he kissed back. He tasted of Marlboro lights and breath mints but he would have won a medal at the kissing Olympics with that snog. it wasn’t too hard, wasn’t too soft, wasn’t too strong nor too meek. it was just right. He knew what he was doing. so what if he was 25 years younger than me? i was 51 and he 26, but i hadn’t noticed. This was my last day at work having resigned from a job where meeting him had been the sole (and accidental) perk. i knew he liked me because he’d cheer me up by sneaking marshmallows on to my desk having drawn smiley faces on them.
On our first date, we went to the movies. He put his hand on my thigh — i put my hand over his hand on my thigh to say it was Ok. in the darkness, he offered me M&Ms and then put one into my mouth. Then two. Then three. We were shushed because we started to laugh.
Older women with younger men often draw disapproving looks from others as if it goes against some kind of natural law. Of course the reverse — twentysomething woman with older man — barely raises an eyebrow. At the start of my relationship with my younger boyfriend, in 2014, i was on the receiving end of a fair few side-eyes myself. Once, i was asked, ‘is that your boyfriend or your son?’ To which i replied ‘i’m not sure’, and oh, the look of horror.
But that’s why the twist on romcom convention in this year’s big new movie, Magic Mike’s Last dance, out next month, is welcome to women like me. For in this film, it’s 56-year-old salma Hayek playing a wealthy socialite who bags 42-year- old Channing Tatum, reprising his role as Mike Lane, now working as a barman in Miami.
The couple meet at an event where he’s making cocktails. she asks him what he loves to do and, surprise, it turns out to be striptease, of which he gives her a sample. Naturally, she’s smitten
— who doesn’t love Channing Tatum, even with his hat worn backwards like an idiot?
But why has he fallen for a woman so far into her 50s? When asked by salma’s character’s daughter why Mike likes her mum so much, he says, ‘it’s because no one has believed in me like your mom has.’
sweet, no? sexual chemistry is fun, but that can’t be all. in order to have great chemistry when horizontal, you need at least a bit of great chemistry when vertical too.
Now, we’re not all salma Hayek. But that doesn’t undermine the film’s central point, which is that older women and younger men are actually very compatible.
it’s a fact not often acknowledged, but in my own case certainly true. sure, the sex is great — really great — but we’re very much on the same wavelength in other ways too. it’s no surprise that i don’t want children at this stage in my life, and neither does he. i don’t want a fancy diamond ring or a big wedding either, or, in fact, any things at all. This suits him down to the ground.
i don’t feel desperate or needy — quite the reverse. i’ve got most of what might be the rewards of a successful life and i don’t need a man to prop me up emotionally or financially (although that is nice for everyone sometimes). Nor do i need to be the centre of attention.
Older women generally don’t — we’re no longer gripped by the insecurity or jealousy of youth but are quite content, indeed delighted, to be given space and time to ourselves.
A friend’s husband says to her, ‘i’ll give you my undivided attention in a moment,’ to which she quips, ‘i don’t want your undivided attention anywhere except in bed and even then i’m not so sure.’
A partner needs solitude and i need mine. i have my own life. He has one too. We intersect in the ‘relationship’ part of the Venn.
For his part, my partner says of older women: ‘sexually speaking, i wouldn’t call it a preference. i just find there’s a desirable maturity and understanding which is rare in younger women.’
A younger man who clicks with an older woman generally knows himself well. He has depth of feeling, generosity and confidence.
indeed, i sometimes wonder whether, were i the same age as my boyfriend, we’d have been as good together as we are now. At a different stage of life, like most women, i did want all the trappings of romance and cosy coupledom. i have a couple of marriages under my belt with sex, love, and everything (except children — i never had a burning desire for them).
But then, at the age of 49, i wound up single again, and this time was different. if i spent my 20s in a fog of anxiety and my 30s and 40s working my way up the career ladder, by the time i hit my 50s i was ready to enjoy myself.
i no longer had the remotest urge to nest, wanting only fun and adventure to pep up the relative calm and confidence i otherwise felt. A younger man was perfect.
A friend’s wise indian grandmother once told me not to search for someone to love. instead, she said, find someone who loves you. it was great advice. The older you get, the more you realise that love doesn’t have to be complicated.
Playing silly buggers with texts and apps can be confusing and painful, and trying to mould a man into your ideal version of him is a fool’s errand.
so this time i pledged not to try to change a man. i no longer wanted emotional control. i was going to do my best to accept him for what he was, and hope he would do the same for me.
And it turns out this is precisely what my younger boyfriend wanted of a woman too. some young men consider young women clingy or bossy, and for him it was a breath of fresh air to find a lover who was neither.
if we’re compatible in terms of life ambition, we definitely click in the bedroom too. speaking very generally, a lot of younger men aren’t sophisticated or sensitive.
They want to impress and that means they’re going to do whatever they’ve watched last on Pornhub because they think that is what you want. They can be nervous, arrogant and a little bit afraid. But that’s Ok.
Men are vulnerable, maybe even more than women. What a younger man has in his favour is curiosity and the ability to try something new without possible failure permanently denting his ego.
do women age better? That too was once heresy, but today, i think it’s the truth. i know i don’t feel ‘ old’ even if my body isn’t as gorgeous as it used to be.
Much about my life is better now than it was when i was younger. i remember when i didn’t have orgasms at all.
When you’re with a younger man, the thing you hear the most is: ‘He won’t stay with you. He’ll leave.’ Friends say it often, even after nine years together, but it does presuppose that i’m expecting a lifelong relationship — or even want one. Will it last? What does last?
even the most successful relationships have their bumps, their secrets and disappointments. A successful relationship isn’t about how long it lasts; it’s about how good it is for those involved at the time and right now, it’s good.
Will Magic Mike finally make it Ok for younger men to be with older women? it’ll help. The more examples we see in films, the better. in my experience younger guys are not as hung up about age gaps as men of older generations.
But if it doesn’t, just remember: good relationships come in lots of different shapes, sizes, types and, yes, ages too. And if a relationship works, for whatever reason, it will thrive despite the tide of scorn.
‘Older women don’t feel youth’s insecurities’
‘Friends say he’ll leave me, even after nine years’