Online dates can be so demanding
DEAR BEL,
I’M a 56 — and flummoxed. I was engaged, but my fiancee walked out the day I retired. It was traumatic and I’ve had two severe health scares since.
Two years later I’ve finally got a bit of confidence back and was trying online dating. But a woman presented me with this list of requirements.
Needless to say, it went nowhere, but now I want to know if her demands are normal. Here they are:
■ Someone who makes me feel safe and secure.
■ Respects my boundaries and safety comes first.
■ Good communicator. Good listener. No drama, no games.
■ Thoughtful, observant.
■ Loves good conversation.
■ Learns/knows when to call me out, doesn’t let me get away with murder.
■ Nurturing, caring and affectionate.
■ Intelligent, clever and have heaps of common sense.
■ Keen to learn or experience new things.
■ Willing to change opinion when new information is presented.
■ Confident in his skin.
■ Witty sense of humour.
■ Playful — at least in private.
■ Has a zest for life.
■ Progressive/inclusive.
■ Willing to accept responsibility when warranted.
■ Has hobbies; can spend time on his own.
■ Self-aware. Stable emotionally and financially.
■ Has goals and plans for the future.
■ Bonus points for being outdoorsy, enjoying walks/ hikes or travelling.
What chance does an ordinary bloke have against that need for a perfect man? It feels like a job interview. Any help would be appreciated.
ROBERT
OH DEAR, is this really what the modern woman demands? And there was I feeling happy and grateful to be married to a guy who is kind, can fix things and lets me choose what to watch on TV.
Never in all my life — from maiden through mother to matron — would I ever have dreamt up such an identikit ‘ideal’ man. At least she doesn’t stipulate ‘tall, dark and handsome’!
I’m glad you wrote because this provides a useful warning to others.
There are so many people longing for a life partner — and I would like to counsel them all ( whatever age) that it is potentially a big mistake to be convinced that you know what sort of person will suit you.
If the latter is the case, if you are so very prescriptive and intolerant, what makes you think that anybody out there is going to dare take you on? You are dooming yourself to disappointment.
I mean, what if List-Lady meets a lovely guy and cross-examines him about his ‘goals and plans for the future’ — only to find he has none? She might then miss out on the love of her life.
List-Lady might find herself all alone unless she is prepared to learn that people are gloriously unpredictable and various — and can go on changing all their lives. The sort of person who appealed when you were 25 was ideal at that point in time, maybe. But at 45 you might have mellowed a little and changed your ‘needs’.
It amuses me that this lady requires somebody ‘Progressive/inclusive’ when she herself doesn’t sound either of those things. What is ‘progressive’ about making a list like a Victorian matron trying to marry off her daughter? And what is ‘inclusive’ about excluding so many potential partners because they cannot match the identikit ideal?
‘Bonus points’; ‘ Willing to accept responsibility when warranted’? To be honest, she sounds a pain in the neck!
Look, robert, there are plenty of women who long for the company of a decent man who wants to go out and enjoy life and/or stay in to watch TV, and cook roast chicken together after a lazy Sunday morning and/or order in a lazy takeaway.
Please don’t be put off by this exacting female’s list of demands. We should all be prepared to be ‘surprised by joy’, to borrow Wordsworth’s phrase. That means being open-minded and patient, and realising that you might think you want somebody who loves hill-walking but fall in love with somebody who’d rather potter in the garden — and have fun together as you make it work.
do realise most women aren’t as fussy as Ms Pernickety, robert — and carry on confidently, meeting ladies any way you can.