1st PRIZE: 10 minutes with Rishi 2nd PRIZE: 20 minutes with Rishi

New Tory fundraising lottery

The dodgy Russkies have done a runner to Malta, largely because of the insane war on Ukraine. No more Joan hunter Dunn amateur hour tennis matches with BoJo, furnish’d and burnish’d by the hurlingham sun. No more bouncing Czechs, spreading ill-gotten largesse in the more fashionable postcodes in the hope of a seat in the Lords — wealth mostly gained by knocking out Semtex to assorted Middle eastern jihadis and balaclaved fiddly diddly men.

An end to those trebles-all-round Stolly and Bolly sessions in the Arts Club with pliably thirsty Tory frontbenchers. even the Arabs have gone AWOL, now there’s no longer a drink in it for them.

These days, there is no lengthy waiting list for a £450- quid ribeye steak and chips coated with gold leaf by that spiv celebrity chef, whose name escapes me but was all the go in the colour supplements for about ten minutes this time last year — or was it the year before?

No time for losers . . . The circus has moved on, just ask Fizzy Lizzie.

For the first time since Call Me Dave inherited the scorched earth from Gordon Brown, who crashed the economy while he was saving the world back in 2008, the intravenous drip of drachmas and roubles to Tory Central Office has dried up.

At this rate, whoever is this week’s Tory treasurer would be best advised to set up shop selling the Big Issue in Mount Street, Mayfair, in the vain hope that some sympathetic Soviet- era oligarch — who has thus far managed to evade the attentions of Putin’s Wagner Group hit squad — bungs them a couple of quid on his way into the new ridiculously overpriced restaurant upstairs at The Audley with a 20-grand-a-night ‘high-class’ hooker on his arm.

even the jumble sale Calendar Girls, who used to raise money for the Tories by getting their twin-sets off and hiding their thru’penny bits behind fairy cakes, have thrown in the tea towel.

CONSEQUENTLY, the Conservative Party is skint. Boracic. Potless.

The corporate donors have had it away on their toes, bemoaning Brexit and the highest taxes since the Flood.

So where is the money for the next Tory election campaign going to come from? The CBI has gone into harvey Weinstein mode, amid hilarious allegations of halitosisdriven sexual harassment by middle-aged men in shiny Cecil Gee suits.

And anyway the self-styled ‘voice of industry’ has always been more comfortable with a beer- andsandwiches Old Labour government stitch-up with the unions.

Enter Lord Smith of hindhead CBe. Nope, me neither.

Apparently, he’s something called Chairman, National Conservative Draws Society — which sounds like a character from an ancient Les Dawson sketch.

Have you remembered to put yer winter drawers on, Cissie? Knickers, knackers, knockers.

His Lordship has sent out a round- robin email to the dwindling band of Conservative supporters, appealing for dosh. Or, rather, offering them the opportunity to win ££££!s

To be honest, it has the ring of one of those Nigerian- based internet scams, promising you an enormous penis or the chance to inherit millions of pounds in exchange for your bank details. I quote: ‘ your summer could be about to look very different. enter the Conservative Lottery, support the party — and be in with the chance to win £10,000.

‘ Is there a dream purchase you’ve been putting off? Or a holiday you’ve always wanted to take?

‘Then you might be in luck. ‘By signing up to our weekly lottery before the 23rd of June, for as little as £5 per month, not only will you have the chance to win up to £1,000 every week and up to £5,000 in our seasonal superdraws, you’ll also be entered exclusively into our Fast Reply Draw.

‘ You could win a whopping £ 10,000 in cash alongside a ten-minute phone call with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, by signing up today.

‘It’s a prize that no other lottery can offer. And it could be yours in a matter of weeks.

‘Don’t worry if you miss out on the top prize. Our second-place winner will get a holiday worth £5,000 and they decide where to go! And the prizes keep coming.

‘Our third-place winner will get £1,000 in cash and a cricket bat signed by the Prime Minister.

‘Best of all, every entry supports the Conservative Party.’

To be honest, when this email turned up in my inbox — from a mate, it has to be said, I’m not on the mailing list, trust me — I assumed it was an elaborate hoax.

It sounded like one of those Spanish timeshare scams esther Rantzen made a living out of turning over on That’s Life back in the 1980s, once she’d shafted Bernard Braden. you know the kind of thing: ‘ Look round our new range of sunshine villas on the Costa Fortune and win a carriage clock!’

For ‘carriage clock’, substitute a cricket bat signed by Dishi Rishi. you couldn’t make it up.

If this is what amounts to Tory Party fundraising these days, they’re in more trouble than we thought. how long before they start issuing their own scratchcards?

It struck me as if they’d got the idea from a track on the Rolling Stones 1978 album, Some Girls — a Country & Western spoof Faraway eyes. All you had to do was send ten dollars to the church of the Sacred Bleeding heart of Jesus — and all your dreams would come true . . .

These days send a fiver to Conservative Draws and you could win a ten-minute phone call with Rishi Sunak.

Second prize, a 20-minute phone call with Rishi.

Third prize, a night out with Boris Johnson — you pick up the bill and Boris goes home with your bird.

What I love is the fact that if you don’t fancy ten mins with the Prime Minister, they can fix you up with a Jet2 holiday in a resort of your choice.

PLUS, why would you have to offer a ten grand bribe to speak to the PM? Can you imagine the phone call from Lord Wossname to the ‘lucky winner’?

‘hello, Tory Central Office here. you have just won £ 10,000, a fortnight in the Seychelles and your chance to speak to the Prime Minister on the phone for the next ten minutes.’

‘I’ll take the money, and open the box, Hughie!’

‘Don’t you want to speak to the PM?’

‘If you don’t mind, I’ll cut out the middle man and go straight to the Seychelles. Can I get the ten grand in cash?’

‘Are you sure you don’t want to speak to the PM?’

‘Not especially. I’m working from home this week. Next week I’ll be working from the Seychelles.’

‘ Would you like the signed cricket bat?’

‘ Yeah, all right. Should come in handy on the beach.’

‘ Fair enough. Any more requests?’

‘Could you get Ken Bruce to play Money For Nothing And Your Chips For Free?’