Can I tell my sister her online snaps are too racy?

DEAR BEL,

I NEED an honest perspective. I’m genuinely torn as to what to do. My sister is a few years older: bright, educated, artistically talented and caring. The whole family adores her. As sisters, the only children in the family, we were the apple of everyone’s eyes.

She has always been overweight. I’ve been aware of how this has affected her confidence over the years. She always wore black, thinking it was slimming, and always a size bigger, to hide herself away.

A couple of years ago she discovered a clothing company that is wonderful for plus-size women, and has an awesome social media presence. They are inclusive, empowering and brilliant.

Soon, my sister was dressing in wonderful colours and her confidence took flight. Within a few months, she had a well-deserved promotion at work. She is thriving and it has been lovely to see.

However, I’ve discovered that the clothing company has a NSFW (not safe for work) page, with photos of customers in various states of undress. My sister has taken to posting regularly — pretty much naked, in provocative poses.

This is not empowering or confidence-boosting; it’s grotesque and embarrassing. I’ve watched, with horror, as she and other people push the boundaries.

Over the months in which I’ve seen what my sister is posting, more and more men, who have sexual fetishes for BBW (‘big, beautiful women’) are able to leer over my sister. She’s happy; I’m watching with nothing but dread.

My main concern is her safety. As my sister posts under her own Facebook profile, I fear she could possibly be putting herself in a situation of danger. I’m concerned her pictures will be saved and posted on adult websites without her knowledge.

I’m also anxious that if her pictures appear elsewhere online, they may jeopardise her job.

Mainly, I’m disappointed. She’s cheapening herself for ‘likes’ on a social media page. Enough people are telling her she looks beautiful, but she doesn’t. She looks ridiculous. And, I’m sad to say, a bit desperate.

So should I approach her with my concerns? I’d appreciate it if you could help with how I should do so. My sister’s life is in a great place and I don’t want this desperate behaviour to ruin it all.

JENNY

First it is important to stress how wonderful it is that your beloved sister discovered her confidence at last, realising she could find bright, attractive clothes and feel great.

the ‘ body positive’ movement has helped thousands of larger women to feel more at ease in their bodies.

But that good news is accompanied by a damaging tendency to dismiss any concerns about obesity as ‘fat-shaming’. Everybody knows obesity is a major problem, causing terrible health issues. ‘Fat pride’ is all very well, but as men, women and children pile on selfdestructive pounds, it costs the NHs even more pounds.

i looked at the website you named in your letter and thought many of the pictures overtly sexy. What’s wrong with that, people might ask?

the company agrees, saying: ‘All things spice, naughty and nice . . . so many of our [customers] have felt like they weren’t allowed to be sexy, didn’t deserve to hold that title because of their size, gender or sexual identity . . . We’re here to shout it out that you can’t measure pleasure and nobody gets to gate-keep what sexy looks like. sex isn’t taboo and neither are you.’

the part you mention — not advised to be viewed at work — is a private Facebook group, described as ‘a place to connect, chat, explore and see sexy [ customers] in the wild at every stage of their self-love journey . . .

And if you feel like it, you can get involved or just enjoy the voyeuristic experience.’

That last bit bothers me, as it does you. Fat fetishism may do no harm (although it depends what pervy ‘voyeurs’ want and do, and where the pictures go). But it is certainly unwise for anybody in a responsible job to post highly sexualised images on Facebook, even in a private group. Pictures are so easily copied and you can have no idea how they are distributed.

What’s more, many of the ‘likes’ encouraging more outrageous pictures are likely to come from nasty, sleazy men, posing as the fat sisterhood. If that was my sister, I too would feel worried.

After so many years, she must feel so excited at looking (she thinks) sexy (and being praised by strangers) that she never stops to think of consequences.

It disturbs me that so many women have no need to be objectified by men (as we’ve been for centuries) because they do the job so well themselves. The vile, multibillion dollar pornography trade has corrupted too many people.

nowadays girls as young as ten think it fine to create sexualised avatars of themselves and their friends, while intelligent, professional women develop that vacant porn star pout. Kim Kardashian’s epic rear has inspired a million provocatively posing rumps, many of which are amply displayed on that commercial website for any-old-body to see.

even though you love your sister and have her interests at heart, you do run the risk (if you speak up) of a quarrel which could never be healed. She might say — if you are so ‘disappointed’ and ‘embarrassed’ and see her as ‘cheapened’ — how that speaks volumes about you, not her. If you hurt her feelings, she’s likely to lash out with verbal defiance and tell you to mind your own business. Then (I bet) cry in private.

So tread carefully. You could mention somebody you know saw her pictures and was so shocked and puzzled they asked you what she is doing. You would need to be cool. Or you could see this as just a phase and hope nobody she works for (or with) spots her.

Perhaps she is so thrilled by her new, confident selfhood that she is playing a game which she will tire of in the end.