Spare us the moronic gibbering of these online court reporters

Depp v Heard ★★★★☆ Rich House, Poor House ★★★★☆

Call the social media bigmouths! Thanks to the experts of the internet, we no longer have to rely on fusty legal correspondents for commentary on court cases.

Instead, we have instant opinion from online observers with reassuring names such as Pop-corned Planet and legal Baddie. For real gravitas and nuanced analysis, be sure to watch DarthN3ws, a pundit in a Deadpool mask and a woolly hat.

Depp v Heard (Ch4) doesn’t only provide a condensed account of the war of smears and counter-accusations waged between two Hollywood stars, the very-much-divorced Johnny and amber. It also gives us a glimpse of how toxic the future of court reporting could be, if newspapers and TV are replaced by gibbering attention-seekers on TikTok.

The decision last year by a U.S. court in Virginia to broadcast this defamation trial live for the first time unleashed a celebrity circus even more inane than the ‘Wagatha’ libel trial between Rebekah Vardy and Colleen Rooney in the UK.

These american proceedings generated waves of sensation, from the secret recordings of the couple arguing drunkenly, to the accusations of physical violence and revolting vengeance ‘pranks’. a three-part summary, which continues tonight and tomorrow, edits their conflicting testimonies into a back-and-forth of allegation and rebuttal, interspersed with remarks from lawyers and witnesses.

Something similar was done earlier this year with the Vardy-Rooney trial, though this was recreated with actors because British courts don’t permit filming or live broadcasting. The dramatisation was a rather laboured, plodding business, lacking imagination or surprise.

What made Depp v Heard so different was the running commentary by video bloggers and YouTubers, a stream of moronic reaction that began at the lowest possible intellectual level and burrowed downwards.

One especially depressing element was the vitriol Heard attracted simply for being female. Whatever the reality of their marriage (both stars did seem spectacularly obnoxious) she became a target for men who flaunt their loathing of all women — Mr Deadpool among them.

There’s no doubting which actor performed better on the stand. Heard looked like she was reciting lines, badly. Depp, though he has the bloated yellow face of a man who could use a liver transplant, projected charisma in every gesture.

He rumbled, she whined. She scowled and sneered, he raised a rueful eyebrow. There’s another reason why cameras must never be allowed in British courts — filming favours those with genuine screen presence.

Barrie and Scott were thrilled to perform for the cameras, as they swapped homes with single mother Ocean on the return of Rich House, Poor House (Ch5).

The businessmen made sure the film crew captured their luxury Chelmsford pad from every angle, with special attention to the pool, the underfloor aquarium and the colossal framed portrait of Scott in his birthday suit.

This show began as poverty porn, shoving well- off families into grotty flats to live on a pittance for a week. Such snideness is no longer fashionable, and it’s reinventing itself as a sort of Secret Millionaire spin-off.

Barrie and Scott blew most of their budget on their first trip to the shops, but we heard no more about their privations. Instead, they set about redecorating Ocean’s bedroom, and fixing up a business for her — with a £250,000 investment to start her off.

Mind you, this wasn’t just charity. The business is an obvious winner: baby food with Caribbean flavours, like mushy jerk chicken. There must be a great market for that. Ocean might want to avoid one of her favourite ingredients, though . . . goat’s meat. an acquired taste for toddlers, I imagine.