Is it time to cut this friend out?
DEAR BEL,
ONE of a group of ladies who visited South Africa for a six-week adventure, I shared a room with Anna, who I knew a little from swimming.
Or rather I thought I did. Arriving, Anna wanted to go out immediately because she had a target of 15,000 steps a day. I said it would be too much for me, as I’ve been very ill. She looked angry.
One evening, discussing the next day’s excursion, she announced to all, ‘Helen won’t be able to keep up.’ I told her that was patronising. Back in our room she said she didn’t want to lose my friendship — but stopped short of apology.
The following week we went to a village market and Anna got into bargaining. The clothes were cheap, the people poor. For £3 I got a dress, top, and trousers, without bargaining. She told me off — said ‘the locals expect it’. At one stall she messed the tired vendor around so much the woman walked away, her dignity totally insulted.
Because Anna couldn’t push the prices down as far as she wished she was in a bad mood. I put my shopping on the bed.
When I came out of the shower she was wearing the dress and said: ‘I think this looks better on me than it does on you.’ She then tried on the trousers and top. Not wanting to cause a row I retrieved and hid my clothes.
Then she befriended a beggar woman near our hotel and said she was going to help her. I gave Anna the dress from the market plus some toiletries — to give her. They remained on the dressing table for the rest of our stay. It was puzzling behaviour.
Anna would make a great show (with martyred expression) of helping with my luggage, even when I said it was not necessary. On the flight home she told me she’d had years of therapy because of problems with friends — but all her troubles were over because she’d learned and become wise.
She seems to have an indulgent husband and has made a career of helping at the food bank. She’s invited us to stay at her second home in Devon, about which she boasts. My husband doesn’t want to. Is it worth maintaining contact?
HELEN
You are a mature lady and I’m somewhat older; nevertheless my question is relevant to all ages. How precious is time? Even in my 40s I had a sense of urgency: work, play and love as busily as possible — always.
These days I reckon just ten more years of life will do me fine (God willing) and so . . . yes, you know what I’m gong to say, don’t you? I no longer have time to sit out a theatre performance or movie which bores me, nor make small talk with strangers nor faff about being charming to ‘friends’ who really do not merit that honourable noun.
I doubt this lady, Anna, was ever a friend. Most of us have a few good friends and a greater number of warm acquaintances. Even people who were once good friends can fall by the wayside as jobs change, interests shift, distance intervenes, or people just grow away from you and you replace them with new friends.
Meanwhile, acquaintances can come and go quite pleasantly without making any lasting mark on your life. All of which takes us full circle back to the realisation that life is short and needs to be used wisely.
You sound a kind person. I like someone who hates haggling in a foreign market, knowing the people thrusting cheap clothes and crafts under your nose desperately need your cash.
And I can’t stand rich Europeans who consider it clever to screw the poor for bargains.
So I am most certainly not drawn to this annoying woman who bossed and patronised you, had the nerve to try on your clothes, virtue-signalled concern for the beggar, failed to give her the gifts, and then boasted to you about her newly acquired wisdom. No wonder she’s always had a problem with friendships.
Yes, that sounds harsh. And I do believe in being pleasant and avoiding conflict, whenever possible. But not at any cost.
This lady with the second home, the social conscience and a complete lack of emotional intelligence sounds as if she’d suck all the kindness and delight out of your life.
So I’d suggest you listen to your husband and not force her on him. Give yourself a break.