Never punch a shark on the nose . . .

TOP-NOTCH SURVIVAL TIPS FOR WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

When I was a Boy Scout, I spent a lot of time arguing about what to do if you find yourself caught in a plummeting lift.

Some said you should jump up and down, on the off-chance that when the lift hit the ground you would be safely up in the air. Others maintained that if you were up in the air, you’d be more likely to be knocked out by hitting your head on the ceiling.

Another perennial question involved the correct action to take if you are in the sea and you spot a shark heading for you.

A fellow Scout insisted you should punch it on the nose. This seemed not only provocative, but also open to error: if the shark swerved upwards at the last minute, then your fist could end up lodged in its mouth. More than half a century later, a surfer called Mike Coots has come up with the answer. ‘The safest way to be underwater with sharks is to have clear visibility and lots of eye contact. They are ambush predators and if they know you know they are there, it’s much safer.’

Oh, yes? I always find people who make too much eye contact exceptionally irritating, and there’s no reason to think sharks don’t feel the same.

Like shiny shoes, energetic use of christian names and a strong handshake, too much eye contact is a sure sign of a conman.

Also, it’s tricky making eye contact with a shark, as each eye is flat on either side of its face, roughly where the ears should be. This means that when it faces you head- on, you can barely see its eyes at all.

Also, to make yourself visible seems counter-intuitive. Far better that the shark doesn’t know you are there.

And is poor old Mike Coots really the best person to issue tips on avoiding sharks? I’m sorry to say his right leg was bitten clean off by a shark in hawaii in 1997. Anyone seeking advice on the best way to avoid having their leg being bitten off by a shark might first start by asking someone who still has the full complement.

no doubt Mr Coots tells himself he would still have both legs if only he’d made his presence felt and made more eye contact.

But who’s to say the shark wouldn’t have found his bumptious, eye-catching approach irritating, and would have bitten off another leg, too, just to teach him a lesson?

‘Don’t splash or panic,’ advises Coots, ‘and if underwater, always look at the shark and make yourself seem large.’

Personally, I suspect Mr Coots is in the pay of The Worldwide Federation of hungry Sharks.

The biggest misconception of all is, he says, ‘that a shark wants to bite you as soon as you enter the water. That’s the furthest from the truth.’ Yet the shark in Jaws seemed very peckish in indeed, and di didn’t seem to m mind how long hi his victims had been be in the water before be he gobbled bl them up.

T The authors Jo Joshua Piven and Da David Borgenicht ich offer very different fer advice in th the section of the Wo Worst-Case Scenario na Survival han handbook called how To Fend Off A Shark. Their advice includes, ‘Avoid waters with known effluents or sewage’. This means most British rivers are out of bounds. They also say ‘hit back’, but not at the nose, as we Boy Scouts were always taught. no: ‘Contrary to popular opinion, the shark’s nose is not the area to attack.’ Instead, they say you should go for the eyes.

But sharks have tiny little eyes, and as the great white shark can travel at 35mph, it seems unlikely your punch would hit home. Perhaps it’s best to start experimenting on a goldfish, and then work your way up.

BeArS are another worry. I once read that, if you’re being chased by a bear, there is only one thing to do, but I forget what it is. It’s either a) run uphill, so that he thinks you’re bigger than him and is scared off; or b) run downhill, so that he thinks you’re smaller than him, and feels in no danger. But for the life of me, I can’t remember which.

All these worries! And I still haven’t worked out what to do about the very worst- case scenario of all: what to do when you’re attacked by a bear in a plummeting lift!