The explosive truth about Guy Fawkes
THE SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM
WHILE investigating the career criminal Robin hood, i uncovered a deeply sinister plot to remove the elected Sheriff of Nottingham.
Each person i interviewed told me the same story. They said that Mr hood — whom i never trusted from the start — was scheming to become Sheriff himself.
His co- conspirators included little John (who far from being small was, my informants told me, in fact morbidly obese), the convicted sex predator Friar Tuck and Will Scarlet, who was secretly working for europe.
Leaking to the Press was the way this sinister group forced through their hidden agenda.
The Sheriff of Nottingham didn’t stand a chance. All he wanted to do was keep the country safe for the common people while the king, Richard the lionheart, was away on business.
In a top- secret conversation conducted beneath a tablecloth in the exclusive private members club Wetherspoons, a well-placed sauce — who, for legal reasons, i shall refer to only as ‘ HP’ — told me everything he knew. HP said that hood was always trying to bounce the big-hearted Sheriff into doing things he didn’t want to do.
‘ The Sheriff wanted to give something back to society, but, behind his back, hood kept robbing from the poor and giving to the rich. Only the way he spun it to the Press, he was doing just the opposite.
‘How does the song go? “Robin hood, Robin hood, riding through the glen.” Well, that’s not true, for a start. Whenever hood wanted to go through the glen, he’d demand an exclusive coach with a driver handpicked from the metropolitan elite.
‘And what of Maid Marian? She was just out to gratify her lust for revenge. She’d always longed to be the Sheriff’s wife, and if he wouldn’t accede to her demands — well, she’d do her best to bring him down.’
The henry Viii i knew was a devoted father and loving husband. Slim, regal and unassuming, he just wanted to get stuff done.
And, because of this, toxic unseen forces wanted to push back against him.
i met one of my informants — codename Nutjob — in an exclusive high- end london restaurant called Nando’s, well-known for serving fish, though the dark web says it is chicken.
As i slurped on a double mocha, Nutjob told me of the plot to undermine henry’s credibility.
‘it was all so sinister,’ he said, looking this way and that, clearly terrified of assassination.
‘henry only had the one wife, Catherine of Aragon. he adored her and they were great together.
‘But then this dark cabal spread the rumour that henry had another wife, and another, and another, and another. And, finally, another.
‘They even put it about that henry had had Anne Boleyn executed. What nonsense! it’s a well-known fact that Anne cut off her own head, just to spite him. And as for Catherine howard — i always told her not to play with axes. But would she listen?’
NOVEMBER 5 CONSPIRACY C
Guy Fawkes was certainly not someone who ever set fire to things.
I would often see him with a box of matches, but he only ever used them to light I his pipe. In all the time I knew him he’d hardly ever set fire to a bomb.
Yet that was the charge brought against him by a sinister cabal of politically motivated people on the night of November 5, 1605.
Why would anyone say that? The evidence I uncovered was deeply shocking. At a hush-hush meeting with a man to whom I will give the name Dr Who, I discovered that Guy was targeted by a shadowy organisation working on behalf of a high-level fireworks company.
Their plan was as disturbing as it was ingenious.
If they could implicate Guy in a Gunpowder Plot to blow up the houses of Parliament and kill James Vi, they could establish a go-to Guy Fawkes Day and market their fireworks from now to kingdom come.
So they gave poor Guy a box of matches. Then they planted the gunpowder on him. And finally they told him that there was a great all-night party going on in the cellars of the Palace of Westminster.
And just four centuries later, the very same people, i am reliably informed, hatched a plot to get rid of Boris Johnson.