How Ozempic left Mr Blobby’s 007 job hopes in tatters
TEN Things You Didn’t Know About Ozempic
1 SEVERAL Tory front-runners are said to inject themselves with Ozempic in order to look suitably skinny for a leadership contest after their party’s defeat at the next general election.
likely contenders Grant Shapps and robert Jenrick have become so thin they share a suit when attending the Commons.
‘In these cash-strapped times, suit- sharing sends out a vital message that the Tory party understands the hopes and needs of ordinary, decent people,’ says senior Conservative Sir Jacob rees-Mogg.
2 SIR Jacob is rumoured to have been on the wonder weight-loss drug from the age of six months, which is why his double-breasted romper suit always appeared too big for him.
3 VETERAN celebrity bear Winnie- the- Pooh started injecting himself with Ozempic in late 2023. ‘ Frankly, I’d been playing the part of the winsome teddy for too long, and was becoming stereotyped,’ he told chatshow host Graham norton. ‘lead roles in the latest action movies kept passing me by.’
Ozempic produced a dramatic weight reduction, but it is playing havoc with his current role. ‘ My longrunning Broadway show features a scene in which I get stuck in a tunnel after eating too much honey. But I no longer get stuck, so the second half of the show, scheduled for 45 minutes, is all over in a minute or two. It means I get to bed earlier, but audiences feel short-changed.’
4 BBC’S Panorama tracked down Mr Blobby ( above in his prime), former co- star of Tv’s long-running noel’s House Party, to the australian Outback, where he’s lived as a recluse for 20 years. In the old days, everyone wanted his autograph, and he was guaranteed the finest table in any restaurant. nowadays, he passes unrecognised, thanks to Ozempic. He’s under half his original size, his face and body heavily wrinkled, and he rarely smiles. ‘It’s as if the air’s gone out of him,’ sighs a worried neighbour.
5 A FORMER friend reveals Blobby’s character changed half way through the final series of noel’s House Party. ‘When he first hit our screens, he was this happygo-lucky character, without a care in the world, bouncing about saying “Blobby blobby blobby”. Then he started dating the sister of a Spice Girl, and before long he was being spoken about as the next James Bond.
‘It went to his head, then he started a course of Ozempic, thinking it would increase his popularity. He didn’t realise fans loved him for his chubbiness, and were sickened at the sight of him as flesh-and-bones.
‘Then noel edmonds dropped him from House Party, and nowadays he can’t even find a job as his own lookalike.’
6 OVERWEIGHT cricketers have been prescribed a similar new wonder drug, Owzatnic. ‘It’s marvellous. These days, I can complete a run without stopping for a sandwich half way,’ says batsman roland Butter.
7 WITH a summer of sun on the horizon, weight- loss groups are preparing various outdoor get-togethers. Ozempicnics feature a hamper for 12 — four sticks of celery, two grapefruits and a bottle of still water.
8 VETERAN Hollywood superstar Olive Oyl recently admitted taking doubledoses of Ozempic. ‘I’d never have got to where I am without it,’ she confessed to People magazine. ‘ When I auditioned for the role of Popeye’s wife, I couldn’t squeeze into a size 16 dress. So I started taking Ozempic, got the part, and in months I’d taken the world by storm. I’m now an icon for reformed fatties the world over.’
9 THE newly converted Ozempic Stadium will contain twice as many spectators as similar stadiums. ‘ We’re reckoning on two adults per seat,’ boasts stadium boss Jeff ‘Skinny’ Malinks.
10 SEVERAL darts champions have been prescribed Ozempoche, a weight-loss drug targeted to their needs. ‘Back when I was around 27 stone, I would get out of breath just throwing a single dart, but thanks to Ozempoche, I am down to 23 stone,’ says delighted darts champ len Bubble, 25. ‘now I can stroll over to the board, remove all three darts, and stroll back with just a brief pitstop to get my breath back and fill up on chips.’