Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
If I’d given in to black fog of depression.. I’d never have held son
Suicide bid dad says baby was his lifeline
FEELING lower than ever, Caolan Doherty thought the only way out of the black fog of depression that had descended on his world was to take his own life.
On the outside the 25-year-old had appeared to be happier than he had in years but inside he was struggling and made the decision one night last year.
Thankfully the Derry man’s life was saved and just two weeks later he found out he was going to become a dad with girlfriend Aine.
A year later and the dock worker has opened up about the fact he almost missed out on son Rossa’s life in a bid to get others talking about mental health.
Caolan said: “Rossa was born on February 25 and there have been bad days and that’s just a fact of dealing with stuff like this but there’s a willingness now to keep going.
“If I had killed myself I would not have got to hold my son.”
Caolan believes he has struggled with depression all his life but things got worse when he started drinking at the age of 18.
He added: “I just remember thinking there was not a lot of hope, I felt no matter what I was going to do or what effort I put in I was going to end up the same way.”
After a night out with friends when he was 20, Caolan returned to his parents’ home and started smashing things. Then he told them he needed help.
He was eventually referred to mental health therapist Marian Boyle.
Caolan said: “She was the best thing to happen to me professionally. It lasted around eight to 10 weeks and I was flying after that.”
But without the weekly sessions, Caolan began to descend into a dark place again, although he hid it from family and friends.
Then on July 13 last year, he couldn’t take any more.
He was found by search and rescue teams and just 15 days later, he discovered Aine was pregnant.
He added: “I was like woah, but I never felt worried or wondered what to do, I felt I had been woken from sleep.
“I felt a degree of joy and hope which I hadn’t before.
“After that there was an element of guilt.”
A year after he tried to take his own life, Caolan shared his experience in a post which has gone viral.
He wrote: “If I had of been successful in taking my life then I would be airbrushed out of this photo, I wouldn’t exist.
“I would have missed out on the best thing that has ever happened to me. That absolutely terrifies me.
“While I’m not going to lie there has been dark days since and I’ll always have to face this illness on a daily basis, it’s worth facing, it’s worth dealing with & most importantly it’s worth talking about.
“That’s what’s kept me alive I think, talking to people I care about and that care about me.”
Now Caolan hopes by telling of his own struggle he can help others start conversations with their loved ones and get the help they need.
He added: “You are always going to have bad days and it could be worse but don’t give up on the opportunity of life getting better.
I would’ve missed out on the best thing that’s happened to me CAOLAN DOHERTY DERRY YESTERDAY