Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Married for just two years and she’s already cheating
Dear Coleen
Recently, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with one of her colleagues. It’s such a cliché, but he’s her handsome assistant and I’m pretty sure it started when they went on a business trip to New York at Easter.
She left her laptop open one night when she got up to answer the house phone and left an email up on the screen to this man. It was obvious what they’d been up to.
Naturally I was upset, but also shocked as I had no idea she could be lured away so easily. I always thought our marriage was solid – we’re great friends and the sex has always been good, too.
The thing is, I still haven’t brought it up with her. I suppose I’m worried about what it will provoke – mainly her leaving me.
I also don’t know what to say to her. I still love her and just assumed we’d have kids in the next couple of years – we’re both 29 and only got married two years ago. I guess I’m burying my head in the sand – but what would you suggest I do?
Coleen says
Yes, you are burying your head in the sand. I think the only option you have is to confront her – you can’t “unsee” that email or just forget about it.
It’s not going to miraculously disappear from your thoughts. Every time she says she’s going out or staying over with a friend, you’re going to assume she’s cheating on you with her colleague. I’m sure you do really love her, but the way to say it is, “Look, I read your email because it was on the screen, so what are we going to do about it?” Yes, you have to be prepared for her answers and, if you both want to stay together, you have to work on your relationship.
In my opinion, if your marriage is solid, you don’t want to go off and cheat.
You might get tempted or find other people attractive, but you don’t act on it. So if your wife wants to work at it, she needs to be brutally honest about why she cheated after only two years of marriage. What’s missing for her?
If you can’t work it out together, then try relationship counselling (visit relate.org.uk).
I’d like to comment on the letter from the woman who’s found out her best friend’s new husband has been having an affair (Dear Coleen, Aug 2). A similar thing happened to me six months ago with my partner of six years. I got suspicious when he cancelled two long-haul trips we’d booked. So I rang his ex, who was totally shocked as she thought they were still together. They lived separately, so when he wasn’t with me he was with her. She took him back, blaming herself for giving him too much freedom! I’m now with someone else and console myself with the thought he’ll get his comeuppance one day.