Whathavinga babycan really doto newdads

THERE is no doubt that mothers go through a lot when a new baby is born, yet the way in which becoming a parent affects fathers is often ignored…

“How are you coping?” is a common question we ask new mothers as they navigate the challenges a baby can bring. But while health workers are primed to spot postnatal depression in women, fathers are often overlooked.

A study has revealed that up to a quarter of all dads suffer from paternal PND, yet 65% of the 2,000 men asked, said it was difficult to admit the emotional health problems associated with parenting.

The research by Ieso Digital Health, an online cognitive behavioural therapy provider, revealed how a lack of awareness and stigma are both major barriers to fathers seeking mental health support.

Meanwhile, an American study, published in the journal Hormones and Behavior, supports research that men have substantial biological responses to fatherhood.

“A man’s brain changes when he becomes a father and even while he is an expectant father,” explains neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, author of book The Male Brain. “His testosterone level will decline by 25%, while his prolactin (the parenting hormone) increases by 30% to help him adapt to the nurturing role of fatherhood.”

CARETAKING

As well as experiencing hormonal shifts, today’s fathers are under enormous pressure to ‘man up’ and provide emotional, financial and hands-on caretaking of infants because family members often live far apart and women are more likely to work, adds Dr Brizendine.

“When families lived together in the same town or close by and mothers didn’t work, it was completely different for fathers,” she says. “Society vastly underestimates the toll that being a new dad has on men. His family and society are giving him the message that he is supposed to be ‘manning up’ and taking charge of his new family.

“Fathers are expected to pick up the slack but aren’t often given the credit they deserve or the support they need.”

Therapist Esther-maria Lindner, who helps families prepare for the challenges of parenthood with her holistic program (aparaba.com), says new dads often feel unprepared, stressed and as if their freedom has been taken away.

“Women feel the pregnancy through their body, which prepares them mentally and emotionally,” Lindner explains. “Men, on the other hand, only witness the growing baby from the outside.

“Suddenly there is the reality of caring for a new baby and the financial burden of supporting the family, possibly through a partner’s maternity leave. Money that may have been used for entertainment is now budgeted for nappies, supplies and other baby needs.

“During the first year with a new baby, I often witness couple go through major difficulties, yet they are unwilling to call in support and help from the outside. Fathers feel unprepared, lost and as if their freedom has been taken away.

“It creates a disconnect. When fatherhood feels like imprisonment, he is more likely to bury himself in work or retreat mentally, emotionally and physically from the family.

“For a new dad to feel empowered, he needs to prepare as much as possible in advance. He needs knowledge about the process of birth and the emotional and physical toll of life with a newborn baby.”

According to Dr Brizendine, new fathers can develop PPND (paternal postnatal depression) with symptoms including sadness, anger, loss of interest, sleep problems, no sex drive and low energy.

However, these symptoms are often ignored by fledgling dads who assume they are just feeling tired or overwhelmed.

STRUGGLING

PPND symptoms are easily treated by a doctor or therapist, but the man has to acknowledge he is struggling in the first place.

Dr Brizendine says an important starting point is to ask new fathers how they are coping.

“PPND can occur any time before or after the baby is born, up to one year,” she adds. “So if you know a new father, ask him if you can help. Believe me, he will appreciate it.”

Any new parent knows that dealing with sleep deprivation, prolonged crying and a steady flow of dirty nappies will put a strain on your relationship. But in order to survive the challenges of parenthood, couples need to find a way to continue to connect and to accept the difficulties as they arise.

“Relationships and communication can get really strained in the early days with a new baby,” says Olivia Horne, happiness coach at &Breathe wellbeing workshops for parents (andbreathepostnatal.com).

“It’s very easy to resent one another when your schedules are so different and yet everyone is doing their absolute exhausted best,” she says.

“Have a no-phone zone every day to connect with each other in real life and talk about your day, from both sides. Focus on your common relationship and life goals which will bring you closer together.”