JUST GRIN AND BEAR IT

Around this time of year I love to wind up the PC Gone Mad brigade by referring to Christmas as Winterval, praising Greggs for replacing Jesus in a nativity scene with a sausage roll and wishing them a happy holidays.

If you want a novel way of doing that this year, why not push through the door of a heavily illuminated house a fake police note demanding they take down all of their lights as David Attenborough has proof that every bulb knocks a minute off a polar bear’s life. Then wait for the explosion. Well it is the season of goodwill.

Art critic Waldemar Januszczak slammed the video and film medium which won this year’s Turner Prize, calling it “old hat”. Charlotte Prodger’s £25,000 winning entry, a film about identity politics, was shot on her iphone, which Januszczak said was “so easy to do it attracts the untalented”.Fabulous. That’s my entry for next year’s competition sorted. A collection of videos of the dangling bits of my 60-something genitalia, entitled “a load of old balls”. How can the Turner Prize judges resist?