Male hair dye? The height of madness

BIG QUESTIONS

When my hair started going grey my wife tried to persuade me to subtly dye it so nobody would notice.

I showed her a photo of Paul Mccartney as proof that dyeing, for males, never works. Because when a rich man like him employs the best technicians to make his hair appear natural, yet it looks like he’s walked past a car crash and roadkill has landed on his head, what chance have I got?

And after seeing this photo of Simon Cowell, I urge anyone whose partner says they could look a couple of inches taller by wearing built-up shoes and covering them with wide trousers, to show them how he looked at his 60th birthday bash.

Then tell them that if a rich man tries to make his height gain seem natural – yet looks like he’s had the mother of all diarrhoea attacks and filled his kecks to bursting with oozing faeces – what chance do I have? IN 80 days time another decade comes to an end.

Most evoke a certain feeling by just the mention of their name: the Roaring Twenties, the Nifty Fifties, the Swinging Sixties. But the one about to bite the dust has been so forgettable we don’t even know what number to give it (the Twenty Tens?) let alone find an adjective to capture it.

So, can I be the first to christen it the Tortured Teens because it was a decade which pushed many of us to the brink of breakdown while throwing a big stroppy tantrum on social media at the forces we blamed for screwing our lives.

It started with the financial crash which almost bankrupted the world, although the people who caused it were given a free pass to carry on speculating and buying super yachts with the proceeds.

Greece and Ireland nearly went to the wall while many Britons went to foodbanks to eat, or shop doorways and hostels to sleep, as austerity governments slashed spending on those at the bottom while rewarding those at the top with tax cuts.

The punishment of those who had little by those who had plenty let in self-serving, crypto-fascists who called for rebellion against the evil elites. Elites they were in the same country club as.

This populism led to Brexit paralysis

The Chief Medical Officer wanting to ban people eating on public transport. Can’t we just get hit squads to throw the noisy eaters, belchers and finger-lickers off at the next stop? If America still calls itself the Home of the Brave why are the cowards dropping their Kurd allies and refusing to let a diplomat’s wife face justice over a motorcyclist’s death? Why did right-wing male TV pundits decry the move to let all soldiers wear make-up as absurd political correctness when they were plastered in HD blusher and concealer? Bill Gates saying world hunger will be cured in 20 years. Will there be loads of Tory MPS queuing up for photo ops outside closed foodbanks when it happens? Why are Lib Dems suddenly so keen to offer a home to desperate MPS when their coalition policies left thousands of people without roofs over their heads?