How can he walk out on me now I’m expecting?

Dear Coleen

I’m a 46-year-old woman and I’m six months pregnant with my first child. The pregnancy was a huge shock, but the best news I’ve ever had in my life because I didn’t think I could get pregnant after having several rounds of IVF with my previous partner. It feels like a miracle.

I’ve been with my current partner for three years and he’s older than I am at 52. Our relationship had been good until I discovered I was pregnant.

He told me he didn’t want to be a dad at this stage in his life and moved out to get some “headspace”.

I’m furious with him and very hurt – how can he do this when he knows what I’ve been through and it’s his child, too? He always knew I wanted a family and we have talked about adoption, but now I think he was just stringing me along.

I don’t think he ever thought I’d get pregnant in a million years.

This letter makes him sound awful, but he’s really not. I think he’s having a bit of a mid-life crisis and this has put him into a tailspin, and he’s worried about being an “old dad”.

None of this stops me from feeling angry and let down, though.

What can I do – one minute I’m overjoyed at being pregnant and the next I feel very down because I might be facing parenthood alone?

What do you suggest?

Coleen says

Firstly, congratulations! I know you’re feeling let down and vulnerable, but please try not to let what’s going on with your partner spoil this fantastic time in your life, which you’ve desperately wanted for many years.

For now, allow him to have his “headspace” and try to focus on yourself and your baby. Surround yourself with positive people and lean on them for support.

I can see why the pregnancy news came as a shock and, perhaps you’re right, maybe he was never that bothered about having a child, but said he’d consider it because he loves you and didn’t want it to be a deal breaker.

If that’s the case, then it was wrong and unfair of him. And maybe he is having a mid-life crisis and questioning everything in his life – what he’s done and what he still wants to do – but the way he reacted was childish.

But here’s the thing. You don’t have to sort out your relationship today or next week, you can take time to work through what you want and what he wants. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself. And once the baby is born, you’ll be so caught up in this insanely busy love bubble, the relationship stuff won’t be a priority.

Maybe your partner does need some time to work through his own issues and he may turn out to be the best dad, but just don’t rely on it.

He said he didn’t want to be a dad so late in his life