You’ve no pride of place in this community, Eric

One half of America’s Tweedledum and Tweedledee, Eric Trump was mercilessly mocked this week after he claimed to be “part of” the LGBT community.

“I see it every day, the LGBT community, they are incredible and you should see how they’ve come out in full force for my father,” said the President’s son while appearing on TV. “I’m part of that community.”

For me, Eric can identify as whatever he likes. It would make a change from identifying as a total moron. It may help if he tells his wife too.

Armed police in Florida raced to an address this week when a neighbour called 911 after hearing screams of: “Shoot, shoot.” When they arrived, they found fans of ice hockey team Tampa Bay Lightning urging them on.

Cops in Lubbock, Texas, faced an age-old problem during a routine traffic stop – the driver was only 13. Javier Martinez-aguilar, left, is accused of getting the teen to drive him to a local store for ice cream as he was drunk.

The 42-year-old has since been charged with endangering a child and criminal neglect. Wonder if it was rum and raisin he was craving...

Giant pumpkin growers in Utah this year recorded eight weighing over 1,000lb, setting a state record.

The heaviest came in at an incredible 1,825 pounds. Talk about smashing pumpkins.

A five-year-old Pennsylvania boy was hailed a hero after using Amazon’s Alexa to call for help while his mother suffered an epileptic seizure.

Tyrion Spann rang gran Natalie Neal through the device, which she had programmed so he could call her to tell her he loved her. “I just thought for him to tell me, ‘Hey grandmom, I love you’.”

A pastor and mum-of-three has traded the pulpit for the pole to become an erotic dancer.

Nikole Mitchell, 36, right, grew up in a strict Baptist family but says as a child she “fantasised of being a stripper”.

A new study found that sparrows in San Francisco altered their birdsong to sound “sexier” to mates after the Covid-19 pandemic shut down the city.

A Canadian truck driver put the high into a highway after he was caught smoking opium at the wheel.

Officers stopped him after a report of erratic driving. “Sure enough, he was smoking opium,” said Bill Dickson of Ontario Provincial Police.

The trucker faces drug and traffic raps – and has been sacked.

P.S.

My barman Richard said this week that after months of lockdown, his biggest challenge is “retraining my face to smile”. We’ve not seen much so far, needless to say.