Roller-coaster relationship is making me deeply unhappy

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years and it’s been a roller-coaster ride from the start. We’ve had some amazing times, but also some real lows. It’s never been steady or calm and it’s taken me a long time to realise how stressed I am all the time because of it.

We don’t have kids and we’re both in our late 30s. He’s too selfish to be a dad and, because I love him, I just went along with shelving the idea of parenthood, believing he’d be enough for me. He’s very volatile, although never aggressive or violent, and I never know what mood he’s going to be in from one day to the next.

I’ve found it tough over the past few months and it’s made me realise I don’t want to be in the relationship any more.

My problem is, I ’ ll have my bags packed, ready to walk out the door, and then he’ll be unbelievably nice to me – considerate, loving, passionate – and I change my mind. The sex has always been good and it’s probably one of the reasons I’ve stayed for as long as I have.

On other days he’s moody, blames me for everything, plays online games for hours and literally won’t talk to me.

I feel trapped, especially now when options are more limited because of Covid. Can you help?

Coleen says

It sounds exhausting and I wonder if his mood swings are down to a mental health issue.

You might be a bit addicted to the drama of this relationship, but I also think you’re mistaking good sex for a good relationship.

If it’s just the sex and the rest of the time you feel stressed and unfulfilled or you have to walk on eggshells around him, it’s not enough.

You’re operating on such a high level of stress all the time but, the truth is, we also need the steady (even boring) times to make us feel secure and grounded.

You shouldn’t just shelve the idea of motherhood if it’s something you want to experience in your life. If he doesn’t want children, then maybe this will give you the determination to leave.

You’re not trapped – you can walk away from this relationship, pandemic or no pandemic.

I think you just need to dig deep, trust your instincts and go for it. And if you need reassurance or support, then reach out to your friends and family.

Good luck.

I feel trapped, especially now because of Covid